Holding your hands and closing my eyes
I could see all those buds waiting to blossom
the smell of the new season and air of warmth
Hurting my hands I felt your fingers moving away
I tried to wake up from the dream to stop you
You walked away faster than my heart beats
Hurting my eyes,I woke up to stop you
I see the remains of the fall.
My steps retracing those sand writings
I smiled to myself trying to wash it away with my tears
December 21, 2009
December 6, 2009
Where the dreams come true?
Life is full of surprises!You enjoy certain surprises and certain you fail to be 'Surprised'.Sitting in the flight to Abudhabi,I failed to be 'Surprised'.I just wanted to see where this 'Life flight' would take me.I smiled at myself for those notions I had about myself,my career and my so called surprise filled 'Life'.I looked around to find many faces with a 'hope' or rather I could see they were all carrying a dream.A dream of survival.I didnt have any dream or a hope.I was still running away from a lot of things.I wanted to stop and look at myself and answer those questions inside me.But all that came out of me was a 'Sigh'.A sigh to look ahead and wait for more surprises,beat the recession,learn to be a good fighter.I was shocked at the way people at the immigration treat the females who fly to Middle east.I was asked a hell lot of questions and had to show all my degree certificates at the Calicut Airport.The lady at the immigration sounded as if I am some maid trying to migrate there.I was really upset the way females were treated even if they have proper documents especially by a lady officer.I just couldnt stop myself frm telling her 'Please do not see everybody with the same eyes'.I dont understand the reason why the asked me a hell lot of silly questions when my employment visa had a 'Civil Engineer' clearly stated on it.
Gulf!Where the dreams come true...
Today I see how certain dreams come true.Here in this part of the world everybody has a story to tell.Why they are here!There is only one thing common to all those people who come here.Some day or the other they all want to go back home..
Its just been a few weeks here.But I realized I am blessed to be sitting in a bed under a roof with a laptop in front of me.I have no idea if my writing would help those people to understand the plight of thousands of people in this part of the world who work day and night for a living.Buses with these laborers with their heads down is a common sight here.I wonder what gives them the strength to survive in this scorching heat and those pathetic labor camps?I wonder if their dear ones back home can ever give them the true appreciation..
To be Continued
Gulf!Where the dreams come true...
Today I see how certain dreams come true.Here in this part of the world everybody has a story to tell.Why they are here!There is only one thing common to all those people who come here.Some day or the other they all want to go back home..
Its just been a few weeks here.But I realized I am blessed to be sitting in a bed under a roof with a laptop in front of me.I have no idea if my writing would help those people to understand the plight of thousands of people in this part of the world who work day and night for a living.Buses with these laborers with their heads down is a common sight here.I wonder what gives them the strength to survive in this scorching heat and those pathetic labor camps?I wonder if their dear ones back home can ever give them the true appreciation..
To be Continued
November 4, 2009
Once upon a time...
There were a lot of things which were a part of us and our routine,but cease to even flash in our minds.Last day I saw couple of school kids waiting for their school van.Certain things which were so much part of my childhood just flashed through my mind.I am not sure if everybody can relate to this,But I would like to scribble a few fond memories I had in my school life
1.Exam time :We used to have half day exams thrice a year.I loved exam time as I could be back home for lunch and watch all the TV Programs which I used to miss otherwise.During exams we never carry our backpacks,it was always those big 'textile plastic covers' to carry the pencil box and the writing pad.I used to keep the good ones under the bed exclusively for exam time.We used to compare the covers in class and always wanted our cover to look the best :).I still remember the time I got the 'paper bag' for the first time.I saved it for the annual exam and made sure it was safe and away from the hands of my mother.
2.Name slip.I was crazy about nameslips.Before the school starts it was a custom that me and my amma sit together and cover all the notebooks and textbooks with the plastic coated brown covers.I used to adore the special white colored ones my classmates used to bring which was available only abroad.Nameslip was a status symbol too.I never used to stick those nameslips you get for free from shops,But always wanted the glitter cartoon ones.I still remember me telling someone that my biggest wish in my life is to get 1000 nameslips from God.
3.Lunch time.I was/still a slow eater.There were only a few dayscholars in our class.But we all used to sit together and discuss everything for lunch.We always waited to see what was inside our friend's lunch box.Then comes the sharing part.I miss those lunch sessions when we could take anything from anybody's lunchbox which tastes 1000 times better than what was in our lunch box.
Lot more to write,But I guess space is not enough.In a nutshell I miss my school days.Innocent days,innocent dreams and innocent minds.Wish I never grew up :)
1.Exam time :We used to have half day exams thrice a year.I loved exam time as I could be back home for lunch and watch all the TV Programs which I used to miss otherwise.During exams we never carry our backpacks,it was always those big 'textile plastic covers' to carry the pencil box and the writing pad.I used to keep the good ones under the bed exclusively for exam time.We used to compare the covers in class and always wanted our cover to look the best :).I still remember the time I got the 'paper bag' for the first time.I saved it for the annual exam and made sure it was safe and away from the hands of my mother.
2.Name slip.I was crazy about nameslips.Before the school starts it was a custom that me and my amma sit together and cover all the notebooks and textbooks with the plastic coated brown covers.I used to adore the special white colored ones my classmates used to bring which was available only abroad.Nameslip was a status symbol too.I never used to stick those nameslips you get for free from shops,But always wanted the glitter cartoon ones.I still remember me telling someone that my biggest wish in my life is to get 1000 nameslips from God.
3.Lunch time.I was/still a slow eater.There were only a few dayscholars in our class.But we all used to sit together and discuss everything for lunch.We always waited to see what was inside our friend's lunch box.Then comes the sharing part.I miss those lunch sessions when we could take anything from anybody's lunchbox which tastes 1000 times better than what was in our lunch box.
Lot more to write,But I guess space is not enough.In a nutshell I miss my school days.Innocent days,innocent dreams and innocent minds.Wish I never grew up :)
October 8, 2009
Treasure Hunt
I was wondering what would make me get an admission in Wharton school even if I have a full GMAT score?To make it more simple how do I stand out from others?This question has been haunting me for the past couple of months.I have been thinking what would make me different?How will I leave a mark on this globe?.How can I make my life meaningful?Most of the people I come across lead a mechanical life.They have temporary goals and most have them try to make a difference to their dear ones.Many of us are really not bothered.We feel a common person like us can never stand out in this crowd.But I guess its worth thinking once in a while 'What makes me different'?Being a jack of all trades never takes you anywhere,You have to be a master,A master of your soul and also that special 'thing' which makes you glitter much more than those zillion stars around us.I wonder when would other stars smile at me?I am still wondering what is that unique gift God has hidden in me.Discovering that would be the greatest treasure hunt for each one of us :).Its never late.Let us all think at least for a second.What is that hidden treasure which would help us leave a mark ?Lets make a difference to someone if not everyone. :)
October 1, 2009
Echoes!
Those shadows surrounded me
I tried to wake up my dream
my crippled eyes kept me in darkness
I cried aloud to wake you up
I heard your footsteps walking away
My words cease to make you smile
tears could wash away my mistakes
Rhythm hugging my passion
Can you stop to listen to my words?
Embrace it when you miss your steps
turn around to see me waiting;
Colors fade to bring the new sky
I see you in those buds to blossom
Holding back everything I owe you
I express in my silence and my blind dreams
I tried to wake up my dream
my crippled eyes kept me in darkness
I cried aloud to wake you up
I heard your footsteps walking away
My words cease to make you smile
tears could wash away my mistakes
Rhythm hugging my passion
Can you stop to listen to my words?
Embrace it when you miss your steps
turn around to see me waiting;
Colors fade to bring the new sky
I see you in those buds to blossom
Holding back everything I owe you
I express in my silence and my blind dreams
Just for me!
PS:Not edited!
A true victim of recession.Sigh!I hate to admit that.But I still wonder why ME?I am sick of all the motivating and optimistic and spiritual lectures I get to hear everyday.But I frankly regret to have done so well in my studies since school.Inspite of reading biographies of people who did a lot of hardwork to make it big,I really dont know why I still have a lot of expectations about my career.I find it hard to compromise.I know this is a bad time to be choosy,But today I feel even if I give away my dreams and ambitions,its hard for me to find a job.
I had a terrible experience when I decided to try my hand in teaching.I thought it would be a good idea to go teach in an Engineering college rather than sitting at home and wait for the 'VISA' which seems to be a illusion! On my first day to college,I was shocked to see the number of private engineering college buses in the stand.Students dressed in uniforms,It was hard for me to comprehend the fact that they were engineering students.Engineering has just become an extension of 12 std.The college was no different from a school.I felt bad about myself coming back to such an environment.But I used to love teaching and I felt it was a good service.But unfortunately the class turned out to be another shock.It was hard to believe they cleared the entrance examination because most of them didnt know even the basic geometry.But the worst part was the attitude of the students.Students behaved to me as if I am some random girl they met in some park .Forget about showing a little respect,they were throwing offensive words on me.My pride just couldn't let me continue there.I found it funny when they asked me'Teacher,Why did you come to teach in a college like this even after doing your MS from US,Didnt you get any other job'.I was heartbroken.I realized how much ever we try for certain things,most of the things are out of our control.
I wish I had lesser pride,lesser expectations out of life.But sometime I think ;Have I not sacrificed enough to have to have little happiness or rather not to be in an 'unhappy' state?
A true victim of recession.Sigh!I hate to admit that.But I still wonder why ME?I am sick of all the motivating and optimistic and spiritual lectures I get to hear everyday.But I frankly regret to have done so well in my studies since school.Inspite of reading biographies of people who did a lot of hardwork to make it big,I really dont know why I still have a lot of expectations about my career.I find it hard to compromise.I know this is a bad time to be choosy,But today I feel even if I give away my dreams and ambitions,its hard for me to find a job.
I had a terrible experience when I decided to try my hand in teaching.I thought it would be a good idea to go teach in an Engineering college rather than sitting at home and wait for the 'VISA' which seems to be a illusion! On my first day to college,I was shocked to see the number of private engineering college buses in the stand.Students dressed in uniforms,It was hard for me to comprehend the fact that they were engineering students.Engineering has just become an extension of 12 std.The college was no different from a school.I felt bad about myself coming back to such an environment.But I used to love teaching and I felt it was a good service.But unfortunately the class turned out to be another shock.It was hard to believe they cleared the entrance examination because most of them didnt know even the basic geometry.But the worst part was the attitude of the students.Students behaved to me as if I am some random girl they met in some park .Forget about showing a little respect,they were throwing offensive words on me.My pride just couldn't let me continue there.I found it funny when they asked me'Teacher,Why did you come to teach in a college like this even after doing your MS from US,Didnt you get any other job'.I was heartbroken.I realized how much ever we try for certain things,most of the things are out of our control.
I wish I had lesser pride,lesser expectations out of life.But sometime I think ;Have I not sacrificed enough to have to have little happiness or rather not to be in an 'unhappy' state?
August 27, 2009
August 26, 2009
Discovery of India-Part 1
Not that I am a travel freak. Traveling and sightseeing were never in my list of hobbies.But I always knew I wanted to see and feel ‘Life patterns’.See as many people I can and feel how is to be a different soul groomed and bred in a different corner of the world.When I travel it’s not the scenic beauty that captures my attention,its always the people.I remember my Amma telling others that how her daughter can never enjoy the nature or rather love the nature. :)
One day I was showing an American friend of mine a few pictures of my visits in US.I had a little pride in my words as I was lucky enough to visit a lot of famous tourist destinations in US.My snaps also had this pic of me in front of the statue of liberty.I was telling her how happy I was to be near one of the wonders of the world.But her next question shut my mouth completely.She asked me for the picture at Taj Mahal.That question made me think.Rather than exploring foreign land,Should I not see my Mother India and her wonderful diversity?
For me North Indians and North India was all to do with rich sarees, ornaments and rich food. Thanks to Ekta Kapoor serials.I was so excited when two of my friends agreed to accompany me toexplore those places I marked on the Map for my History and Geography classes.
Thanks to Bollywood,for some reason I was feeling so filmy sitting in the Taxi on our way to my friend’s place from Delhi Airport.I wanted to sing aloud ‘Masarkali Masarkali’.But thought it would be a little too much drama and excitement.But I felt kinda patriotic for some reason.Must be the fact that I was finally at the Capital of the country.The fun part was that right from the airport everybody expects you to be fluent in your National tongue.To brush our hindi skills me and Anna (My friend) started counting ‘ek do teen..’ after 29there was a gradual decline in the pace of our recitation. I knew the driver was amused.Our Delhi friend (DKP) tried her level best to shut our mouths to save herself from the embarrassment. Two years has changed her Hindi.I still remember teasing her in College about her handicapped Hindi.Sigh!We quickly brushed p our gender issues and article and other grammatical issues and finally settled for a ‘hum hein haim’ end for all the sentences.
The first thing I learnt after stepping outside Kerala was to bargain for everything.It was disheartening to see the autorickshaw drivers looting the public.Thanks to those few days in Chennai before our delhi trip.:)Our first mission was to to explore the shopping streets of Delhi.Yes I know what you must be thinking.Girls and shopping are inseperable. But behind my shopping mission I also had to do justice to my appetite craving for those typical northie specialities.The scary jaundice experiences of both of my friends couldn’t stop me from those bhaji and puri walas.It was a bliss!I felt excited. At the same time I couldn’t ignore a lot of things in those streets.Small kids hardly 10 year old as hawkers in streets selling stuff and begging the tourists.A small change in our fate,We might have been one of them.Even if they have dreams,only miracles might help them conquer what we are all blessed with.It was a thrilling experience to bargain.We struggled in our crippled hindi for even 2 digit bargaining, but then we learnt a lot of tricks which made us save a few hundreds J.Thanks to our frequent’Kam karona bhayya’ and those dramatic ‘walk outs’.It was quiet adventurous!!! ;).
Continued…
August 13, 2009
Tone!
I logged into write about my North India trip.My Discovery of India,Dicovery of Faith,culture and Life.But somehow I feel I just couldnt bring that broad mindness in my life even after seeing life on a bigger frame.I saw people living in streets,kids doing hard labour to feed themselves once a day.I felt I was in heaven.I have a place to live,clthes to wear and a lot of people to count on.I promised myself not to complain about what I dont have and be thankful to what I have.But I realise its really hard.Its really difficult for a normal person to stop thinking about what we deprive and be thankful.I came back thinking I am a changed person.But I am not.I still cant stop worrying about a lot of things.Uncertainity about my job,my career.I feel I wasted almost a year looking for a job.Still I dont have a solid offer.I wanted my life to be menaingful,make atleast a small change in this big world.But I feel it can be done only once we stabilize ourselves.Making your life solid.People might intepret it as self love.But everybody is not Mother Teresa.For common people like us,its our worries and ambitions that matter to us the most,to ccome out that narrow mindness it takes a lot of courage and faith in ourselves.I wish it was easy for me to realise I am blessed!
July 8, 2009
Take the Time...
My lyrics cried louder
the echoes made my heart weaker
I stood with your shadow in that dark road
you failed to hold my hands to that star
I could see it shine on my tear drop
Shine on my fate!
My next step will take away your shine.
Could you walk over to me for a day?
I promise to seal you in my breath cloud.
Wish you could replace the shadow
I need you,a real you..
Never will you dry in my arms
The rhythm of my faith will keep you alive
I wish for you today,my lips fails to call out your name.
the echoes made my heart weaker
I stood with your shadow in that dark road
you failed to hold my hands to that star
I could see it shine on my tear drop
Shine on my fate!
My next step will take away your shine.
Could you walk over to me for a day?
I promise to seal you in my breath cloud.
Wish you could replace the shadow
I need you,a real you..
Never will you dry in my arms
The rhythm of my faith will keep you alive
I wish for you today,my lips fails to call out your name.
July 5, 2009
Weekend Tidbits
Its been some months,I am not bored yet.I am busy with something or the other.Have a lot to write,but somehow feel its not the time to vent it out.Be it be about my job,my future plans,family politics everybody has something or the other to ask me.That is something unique about our place.People can always keep you busy with their questions.
But its fun to observe people,see the variety in them.Studying different characters and the way they analyse stuff itself is pretty interesting.People find it hard to accept anything straight.They always try to find the other side.People don't even let others die in peace.Even for normal death,they try to find something abnormal.Human psychology is lot related to their community and also family background.
Recently a relative of mine asked me about my boyfriend.I told her,Unfortunately I dont have one.But she couldn't belive,she was trying to convince me that I do have one and out of fear I am not admitting.It was funny that for most of people here,if you have been aborad you should have someone..:P
So for all those who are planning to be here for vacations,make sure you are herfe with some spicy stories for some people eagerly waiting for u ;)
Matrimonial hunt is on full swing.Thanks to the astrologer who claims I will marry only after 2 years and that too to someone I will find myself.I couldnt stop laughing when he told me that.I felt bad for my family who thought ,they will somehow get me engaged before I go back..
I couldnt stop myself from asking the details of the guy,he kinda sensed that I was mocking the so called science,But then I would rather want to know thw depth of the river before I would start swimming..I wonder why people dont drag these guys to family courts when they file divorce..
I prefer to get a declaration from them before they announce my horoscope match with some 10 stars with someone else's...But for them,there is one major clause..Its all your fate!!!
But its fun to observe people,see the variety in them.Studying different characters and the way they analyse stuff itself is pretty interesting.People find it hard to accept anything straight.They always try to find the other side.People don't even let others die in peace.Even for normal death,they try to find something abnormal.Human psychology is lot related to their community and also family background.
Recently a relative of mine asked me about my boyfriend.I told her,Unfortunately I dont have one.But she couldn't belive,she was trying to convince me that I do have one and out of fear I am not admitting.It was funny that for most of people here,if you have been aborad you should have someone..:P
So for all those who are planning to be here for vacations,make sure you are herfe with some spicy stories for some people eagerly waiting for u ;)
Matrimonial hunt is on full swing.Thanks to the astrologer who claims I will marry only after 2 years and that too to someone I will find myself.I couldnt stop laughing when he told me that.I felt bad for my family who thought ,they will somehow get me engaged before I go back..
I couldnt stop myself from asking the details of the guy,he kinda sensed that I was mocking the so called science,But then I would rather want to know thw depth of the river before I would start swimming..I wonder why people dont drag these guys to family courts when they file divorce..
I prefer to get a declaration from them before they announce my horoscope match with some 10 stars with someone else's...But for them,there is one major clause..Its all your fate!!!
June 16, 2009
Dew..
Those whispers failed to enlighten me
my fear echoed in your way
I moved my hands to reach your soul
the frozen memories entangled my hands
My eyes searched for those moments in your eyes.
Those teardrops might kill your smile
I smiled to see those drops roll back
A lie to the world,a truth to my life.
May 21, 2009
A rain Drop!
The media has been after the Suicidal death of a Dental Student for the past 1 week.With all the student political groups trying hard to butcher the college campus and breaking every window possible of the faculty and management,I really doubt if those fellows even bothered enquiring what lead to that girl's death.The public and the political groups are busy criticizing the teachers and the management.
As per the media she commited suicide because she was asked to repeat a lab experiment by a cruel(again as per the media) professor.I agree that it is a bit disheartening for any student to repeat or fail in an academic test.But I really dont want to blame the teacher here.Even if she was a bit hard on her or must have raised her voice against this girl,Do you think its a strong reason for somebody to suicide??
Atleast in our country we have been trianed in schools and collges to respect our teachers,obey them and to an extend accept their punishments.Even at homes our parents raise their voice if they think we are not in the right path.But not everyday do we think about ending our lives.
I strongly feel that the younger generation is becoming very sensitive.They cant even accept slightest hardships in life.The moment they feel that the life is not moving as desired,they justt want to escape forver.There is no question of fighting against it or even about having a bit of perseverence.For this generation escapism is the only solution.
I strongly feel that, before we blame the faculy for that girl's death,we should think again if a punishment is a crime in our education system.All of us, at some point in our life has been punished by our teachers.Personaly I still respect and value those teachers who punished me in school.This girl's suicide might be an isolated case.Her loss is a torture for her dear ones.But the next generation should learn not to blame the system,but to ask themselves if they have the will power to move on.I feel children should be trained at both home and school to face certain hiccups in life.many of us fail to acknowledge that life is a rollercoaster ride.We are failing to explore that inner strength in us and to accept that life is not a fairy tale with a 'happily ever after'.
As per the media she commited suicide because she was asked to repeat a lab experiment by a cruel(again as per the media) professor.I agree that it is a bit disheartening for any student to repeat or fail in an academic test.But I really dont want to blame the teacher here.Even if she was a bit hard on her or must have raised her voice against this girl,Do you think its a strong reason for somebody to suicide??
Atleast in our country we have been trianed in schools and collges to respect our teachers,obey them and to an extend accept their punishments.Even at homes our parents raise their voice if they think we are not in the right path.But not everyday do we think about ending our lives.
I strongly feel that the younger generation is becoming very sensitive.They cant even accept slightest hardships in life.The moment they feel that the life is not moving as desired,they justt want to escape forver.There is no question of fighting against it or even about having a bit of perseverence.For this generation escapism is the only solution.
I strongly feel that, before we blame the faculy for that girl's death,we should think again if a punishment is a crime in our education system.All of us, at some point in our life has been punished by our teachers.Personaly I still respect and value those teachers who punished me in school.This girl's suicide might be an isolated case.Her loss is a torture for her dear ones.But the next generation should learn not to blame the system,but to ask themselves if they have the will power to move on.I feel children should be trained at both home and school to face certain hiccups in life.many of us fail to acknowledge that life is a rollercoaster ride.We are failing to explore that inner strength in us and to accept that life is not a fairy tale with a 'happily ever after'.
May 12, 2009
Coming Back to 'LIFE'..
I was excited about coming back,But now I am missing many things I failed to appreciate there.Never knew that I would terribly miss some people I met two years ago.Mebbe its a little hard to stay away from people who you met late in your life.Its been just a day here.But already I am being piled with questions like 'when will you go back?' "what are your future plans?'..Reminds me of the old malayalam movie 'Varavelpu' :P
As I approached the asian subcontinent I could feel the difference.The courtesy,the manners,cleanliness everything declined.But for a person who grew up here,it might not be a big deal.But I realised there are a lot of things we should adopt from the western culture not blindly their fashion.It was hilarious when I saw how our people were pushing and pulling to get into the gate at the airport, like they do in the buses here.Forget abt apologizing for hurting you,I even heard people swearing at each other as if the seats might be filled if they dont get inside the flight at the earliest :)
During my transit at Kuwait airport ,we had a proper Swine flu screening with medical attendants testing temperatures of every passenger.But the irony was at the TVM airport when I saw this huge crowd before the immigration counter.There was this one doc and around 100 passengers crowded around him.He was distributing a paper which was a questionnaire which apparently would help them to understand if we have swine flu.In my opinionIt was the lamest way of screening .All that we need to do was just sign a declaration that we dont have fever,cough or cold.When he saw that I was coming from US,he asked me Bhadra,Do you have cough or cold?Duh!!I would do anything anything to get away from that crowd coz if I had to stay there in the mess for a few more minutes I would definitely have some weird flu soon.
Had a lot to write,But I think I should wrap up..Jet lagged!!Yaaawn!
As I approached the asian subcontinent I could feel the difference.The courtesy,the manners,cleanliness everything declined.But for a person who grew up here,it might not be a big deal.But I realised there are a lot of things we should adopt from the western culture not blindly their fashion.It was hilarious when I saw how our people were pushing and pulling to get into the gate at the airport, like they do in the buses here.Forget abt apologizing for hurting you,I even heard people swearing at each other as if the seats might be filled if they dont get inside the flight at the earliest :)
During my transit at Kuwait airport ,we had a proper Swine flu screening with medical attendants testing temperatures of every passenger.But the irony was at the TVM airport when I saw this huge crowd before the immigration counter.There was this one doc and around 100 passengers crowded around him.He was distributing a paper which was a questionnaire which apparently would help them to understand if we have swine flu.In my opinionIt was the lamest way of screening .All that we need to do was just sign a declaration that we dont have fever,cough or cold.When he saw that I was coming from US,he asked me Bhadra,Do you have cough or cold?Duh!!I would do anything anything to get away from that crowd coz if I had to stay there in the mess for a few more minutes I would definitely have some weird flu soon.
Had a lot to write,But I think I should wrap up..Jet lagged!!Yaaawn!
April 27, 2009
Country Roads..Take me Home!
There are times when you have a lot to talk about,discuss and analyze,But you prefer to be taciturn.I hardly have two weeks in this country.There is something that still makes me feel that I couldn't complete my mission here.Two years here made me realise some wonderful truths about myself.Except for a little change in my outlook,nothing really changed me.My principles,my ideologies are still the same and I am still holding on to them.Surprisingly one thing that changed was my faith; I realised that the compromises I made in my life, is not a necessity to live in this world :).It was just a moral of age old bed time story.
I was totally ignorant about H1 Bs and job prospects in US.Honestly I never had an 'American dream'.All that I wanted then was some exposure,a good education and an escape from a few haunting memories.I was in a cocoon 20 years of my life.Lived in the same place,went to the same school,did my undergrad at the same place.My whole life was confined in that small university town.When I got an admit at NIT Calicut,I just felt that I was promoted to next class after 12!Nothing changed except uncle and aunties became sirs and madams.I still got to stay at home and walk to the door steps of a reputed college.
But when I packed my bags to fly here,I wanted to see a world,see myself grow into a butterfly that can adapt to any environment anywhere in the world.Today I feel ,I am what I wanted to be.A butterfly!But there is this one wing of mine that fails to help me fly back to my home, the greed for more independence and more space.
A job,a visa and a few other strings have crippled my wings.But the truth is that it is just a virtual handicap.
I always used to have an option open in my life.Never had to sit idle and wait or struggle to explore options.Today I realise my priorities are jumbled.I could have happily settled for a job after graduation if not for the recession.Five months of rigorous job hunt here made me realise that I failed to see my default option.To go back to my home country!
But there is something which forbids me from going back to the cocoon again.It might be the safest place on earth.But my wings wont fit me back there and it is always difficult to seal back the broken cocoon.
Today I stand with two good degrees in my hand.Dont know what is in store for me back in India.I am breaking those strings holding me back here.My broken wing will get stronger once I start flying.When we feel the whole world is conspiring to take away all your options,there might be one default option we fail to see.It might be the best and beautiful option,But never compromise your heart to settle for something you really dont want to do even if every single bird chirps the song glorifying it on your ears.
I am excited about getting back to those auto rickshaws.I want to breathe the air without showing my visa status and passport.The dirt free life in here might instill more dirt in my head.All that I want now is to be in the dirt that belongs to me..:)
April 17, 2009
Luck Hunt
Sometimes we see a pattern in our life.The unpredictable life becomes predictable at times.Like those researchers trying to predict the patterns of stock market,disappointed hearts tend to research on the patterns of events in their life.The words 'Faith' and 'Fate' always confuse me.I was brought up saying fate can be controlled by having a little Faith in almighty.Though I pray everyday,visit temples whenever I get a chance,I sometimes fail to have a little faith.I try hard to convince my heart to embrace the faith.But my head being more rational tends to give me a very pessimistic leap into the life ahead.
I am lucky to have a lot of people who love me so dearly.People who pray for me more than they pray for members in their family.I try to have a faith in their wishes,I can smile anytime of the day or rather proud about having so many people who love me so dearly,But still I always have a fear.I fear about this word which haunts me regularly.'Luck'.I see the resonance in the pattern,rather in every body's pattern,some are lucky all the time,some are lucky sometimes and some are never lucky.
Being at the right place at the right time is not something we can work on.Astrologer consultations,wearing your lucky stones,the expensive poojas,tarot cards help them to have a faith,but again does it really help them always?
Hardworking people,brilliant people might not be able to make it to places some ordinary people get it by chance.Its not about me,but about some minority in this world,who deserves much more than what they are now.Prayers,wishes,hard work,passion, might not help them.All that they need is a little 'Luck'.
If there is a predestined path for all of us,why is this path so partial?.Why isn't it balanced with ups and downs.Do anyone of us care to be one among those unfortunate souls who slips down in every step they take, in spite of having a zillion hands to help them stand on their foot again.Do we ever think about their fear in taking a new step knowing they would fall down the next minute?We can just give them a hand,But not a pinch of 'Luck' destined in our share.
I am lucky to have a lot of people who love me so dearly.People who pray for me more than they pray for members in their family.I try to have a faith in their wishes,I can smile anytime of the day or rather proud about having so many people who love me so dearly,But still I always have a fear.I fear about this word which haunts me regularly.'Luck'.I see the resonance in the pattern,rather in every body's pattern,some are lucky all the time,some are lucky sometimes and some are never lucky.
Being at the right place at the right time is not something we can work on.Astrologer consultations,wearing your lucky stones,the expensive poojas,tarot cards help them to have a faith,but again does it really help them always?
Hardworking people,brilliant people might not be able to make it to places some ordinary people get it by chance.Its not about me,but about some minority in this world,who deserves much more than what they are now.Prayers,wishes,hard work,passion, might not help them.All that they need is a little 'Luck'.
If there is a predestined path for all of us,why is this path so partial?.Why isn't it balanced with ups and downs.Do anyone of us care to be one among those unfortunate souls who slips down in every step they take, in spite of having a zillion hands to help them stand on their foot again.Do we ever think about their fear in taking a new step knowing they would fall down the next minute?We can just give them a hand,But not a pinch of 'Luck' destined in our share.
March 25, 2009
March 9, 2009
Before the Rains.
Dancing in the rain that swept the dirt away
you made my foot drown in your tears.
You made me walk away to keep it dry
But I see them crumbling up in the heat this side.
I am smiling seeing you swept away,
gushing fears made me freeze in the heat
sweat and snow making my palette look dirty
I failed to see those colors you left for me.
But I do see them far away,amongst those stars
which failed to shine for me yesterday.
I do look for you everyday from my end of the zenith,
I see you there when I close my eyes.
February 26, 2009
Another Brick in the wall
Epilogue:
Unedited piece of crap and random thoughts.
The race continues as we see only milestones ahead of us.The power and strength of the thought 'I am in control of my destiny' makes the pace more vicious and dynamic.
But for those who stumble,they see nothing ahead of them,but the assurance that their fall was predetermined.They struggle hard and try to give up.But the very next moment,they feel a strength which helps them run this mad race again.Like the tortoise race,they succeed and then thank the 'destiny' for the strength.
Now that I am trying to withdraw myself from the mad race with an excuse that I see myself somewhere else ,I decided to give a little thought on what I really wanted in my life.The very first thing that came to my mind is to see my name in Wikipedia! :P
Like the world leaders,I feel I should make a difference in my short life,I should leave behind something that would make people remember me forever.This is the part where we realise how selfish we are.Everybody wants to be famous and wants to make a difference for their own self interest.I am not in a research profession where I can hope to invent/discover something.So what should I do about it?Dont we all make a difference in this world?Some of us are lucky enough to be in the wiki,some in the google search engine and some in the hearts of people.
For most of us all that matters is to have our names in the hearts of our dear ones rather than being in wiki.
I decided to find a wacky solution or rather conclusion to the silly philosophy of 'wikiomania!
Do we ever wonder about those bricks inside the well plastered walls in our rooms?.All that we see are those bright bulbs and chandlers.A single brick removed from the wall might collapse the structure,but still we never really care for those bricks nor we ever wondered what made those walls which have been securing our existence.There are so may unexposed bricks.They all have an equal contribution in building our place.But all that we care is that bulb which can blow out anytime,which would put us in a temporary darkness.We do replace the bulb and appreciate the light.But then again who comes in wiki..The Bulb or the Brick?
February 14, 2009
Love Actually!
Oh no!Another mourning day for some unfortunate souls.Facebook status messages are quite rhythmic.Everybody has a 'Valentine' wish decorating the top tab of their profile.But this 'Happy' day is the longest for some people who claim to be the happiest in the world for 'No strings attached'.Interestingly they are the ones who are nosy about the developments around them.Their 'dont care' attitude and sarcastic comments on such celebrations emphasises the fact that they are 'missing' some unknown fun.For those who have the 'Fun' at their own expense silently cribs about the freedom they are missing.Grass is always greener on the other side.Its just an other day for most of us.But the best part of this day is the ironic conflict within us which forces the so called 'Single' people think more and more about this day and try their best to make it an ordinary day!
For a moment I thought it was my Birthday!I have been receiving calls/emails from all my 'single' friends.Its not to wish me but just to tell me.'Valentines Day..Big deal!Who cares..'But then the conversations always ends with a Happy Valentines day and a Sigh!!
I am not a 'don't care' type,I miss those days in college when I used to send prank love letters/chillies to my friends.Those evenings with my 'single' friends cribbing rather bitching about those fortunate souls who are busy taking care of those bouquets and getting ready for the evening fun..
Today I am still the same,the only difference is that I use a public forum to discuss such 'isms and ologies'
Oops Almost forgot to wish you guys!
Happy Valentines Day !!!
Regards
Dr Love
PS:For those who havent read this article,Please have a look.A very disturbing 'Love' byproduct
February 3, 2009
Systematic Chaos
Remember those echoes?
Did you try to sing it aloud
I hear it rhyme with the beats
Air,its stuffed with your words
Ride the dreams to the zenith
I can close my eyes to see you leave
Blindness show me the beauty of my present
my cold hands brush those warm visions
I fail again to remain blind
the colors clutch open my eyes
to see another new shadow to trace
with a bleeding feet,I glide
January 29, 2009
Is there anybody out there?
Paranormal stories and research always interest me.'Ghost Hunters' used to be one of my favourite shows.I really enjoyed collecting info about local and global paranormal stories and scaring my friends.But some how today I felt like reading more about it and wants to hear what everybody thinks about the existence of 'Ghosts'.I haven't had any personal experiences so far.But somehow feel that there should be 5 th Dimension.
There was this 'Garden Ghost aunty' in our campus.One of our colony resident burnt herself at her house.Nobody still knows why she did that.This aunty had a huge and beautiful garden at her house.After her death her neighbours decided to split the plants among themselves.Within a week,there was this 'rumour' that whoever tried to water those plants felt somebody holding the 'Hose'..I still remember me visiting their houses to see those people who were sick for several days because of such a weird experience.I was thankful that my mom did volunteer to keep some plants at our house :P
Well everybody might have some story to tell..But then..'Do Ghosts Exist'??
January 24, 2009
Curious Case of BN
I am feeling very homesick today.Tried to flip through the old pictures,old memories and even listened to the songs I used to hear at home.Tried to talk about my home,my routines,my school and what not.But then at some point I just couldnt talk more,felt like I forgot the dream I had yesterday.I know I can never get those days back.
"What would you like to do now"-This was an innocuous question my friend asked me over a chat today.Though he was expecting me to say'Lets playscrabble in facebook' I had a different answer and it was ...
I wanna go to SM Street in Calicut with my friends.Get down near Manchira sqaure and walk in the crowd and get inside the triveni store.On my way, I want to pray in front of the Hanuman Kovil for a minute and rush to the store and see the latest school items.Checking the list in my pocket I want to head to TBS and get a few books and stationaries.Head back to Koyenco Bazar and have a Sharjah from the corner shop.Window shop the latest salwars and 'gulp' at those price tags.Get an to Mezban with an anxiety.Sit in our favourite table and start the usual gossip sessions ordering fish fingers and kababs followed by the Kadai Biriyani.Spil the coke bottle like I always do.Burp-Time to walk to the Baskin Robbins.Walking in the dust and rush near BMH I wanna look around and comment on those couples from our college who have come to the city to hang out.Get an auto back from BMH to the Palayam stand I wanna hear the drivers and Kilis shouting 'Mukkam -REC..Mukkam REC'
Step into those flamboyant private buses and get hold of the 3 seater next to the driver.Open my purse and give Rs 12..Fasten those invisible belts for the roller coaster ride
Close my eyes and 'Lift shadows off a Day' till I see the hoard 'NIT Calicut'
I miss Calicut!I miss my Home!
January 12, 2009
Dreams on Fire
The song 'Dreams on Fire' has been haunting me for the past few days.It was a Deja Vu.I felt it was me who was singing it aloud.I sang several times.Felt as if I could vent out those dark complexes, I had within.I couldnt correlate the lyrics and my conscience. I felt good.It might sound a little insane,but I belive there are a lot of things you can do for yourself,to help yourself and know you better.This might sound contradictory to the lyrics of the song which emphasize the love for someone else.I just hope I can have an empty mind to sing this song again,not to vent out the dirt,but to feel the beauty of the words.
You are my waking dream
You're all thats real to me
You are the magic in the world i see
You are in the prayer i saying
You are in my two my names
You are the faith that make me belive
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
Pasion burning
Ride on the path
Once for forever yours
In me
All your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
You are my ocean rage
You are my thought each day
you are the laughter from childhood games
lyricsmasti.com
You are things further down
You are where i belong
You are make me feel in every songs
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
Pasion burning
Ride on the path
Once for forever yours
In me
All your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
You're all thats real to me
You are the magic in the world i see
You are in the prayer i saying
You are in my two my names
You are the faith that make me belive
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
Pasion burning
Ride on the path
Once for forever yours
In me
All your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
You are my ocean rage
You are my thought each day
you are the laughter from childhood games
lyricsmasti.com
You are things further down
You are where i belong
You are make me feel in every songs
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
Pasion burning
Ride on the path
Once for forever yours
In me
All your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
Congrats to AR Rehman for the Golden Globe.I was so excited after watching Golden Globe.Felt like someobody in my Family got those awards.The Music of the movie did leave an impact.Rock On. :)
January 3, 2009
Fairy Tale
2009!I feel very old,tired and exhausted.Feel like sitting in rocking chair and narrating a long story to my grandkids.But then I realise I am still a grand'kid' not a grand'ma'.A listener to some great anonymous story teller.I still have a very long way to go,cannot afford to take a break at this stage.But what excites me is the fact that if I keep walking,there is a 'tinny tiny'(Courtesy to my 3 year old cousin) hope that my story might end in 'Happily ever after'.
I couldn't come up with a new year resolution.I forget my new year resolutions within a week or so,But it was always fun to have one on new year.The most popular new year resolution was to get up before 6:30 every morning.My amma used to promise me with tempting gifts if I hold on to this resolution for atleast a month.But somehow I couldnt get up before 7:30 even if I had a board exam at 8:30.
Does a wish really make a difference?I checked my 2009 forecasts on the new year day itself.Very interesting predictions.I am thinking of starting a 'astrology' column in my blog.On a lighter note it will be good idea to have a astrology,matrimonial and relationship consulting!I am sure to Rock ;).After all my degree is in Construction management,would definitely have some 'Constructive' management skills :P
Happy New Year!
Happy Birthday.I miss u a lot :)
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This is some addition to my previous post :D
Consulting Business.
Step 1
Watch
If you still have time watch this
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