June 28, 2014

My 'Other' Happy Life..

Disclaimer : The characters are purely fictitious..

Tomorrow is our mortgage due date and it marks 5 months of my husband’s unemployment. I re-read the email stating my PF is already overdrawn. I know mummy can help again, but she will suspect something is wrong with Karan’s job. I really don’t want them to feel less of him and my choice.  I didn’t want to go home and start the conversation about how Karan had the opportunity for a foreign assignment last year and why I was the reason he didn’t take it.
My hands tapped on the favorite spot voluntarily. The Facebook app opened up.  I scrolled down to see yet another series of posts from my friends telling how happy they are in their lives. Everyday someone checks in at the ‘Eiffel Tour’ or some exotic resort. Everyone looks so happy in all the pictures. To stress on their happiness they post infinite number of emoticons. The only sad faces in the feed are when their favorite Soccer/ Cricket Team lose.  I looked again and again to see a face that resembles my state of mind. I viewed my profile. The most liked post was an ‘Aunty Acid’ post about marriage, “Marriage is the only war in which we sleep with the enemy“. The last time I updated my profile picture was when someone clicked a picture of me and Karan at our annual office party. My profile looks as dull as my life. A series of unanswered candy crush requests and ‘You viewed my Profile’
I scrolled again and to find one of my school mates is now the President of a reputed financial Institute. I still remember how he was de-promoted twice and I could feel a jealousy creeping inside my head. I feel more low every day after going through these happy achievements, baby pictures, vacations, restaurant checks ins, sexy selfies what not.  I fiddled around to find the deactivate button in Facebook.  But then someone gave me this motivational idea. I decided to be happy in this new world.  To show the world I am just as happy as everyone else. I took the first bold step. I posted my first very check in “Enjoying a relaxing dinner with my hubby at Taj-Malabar- Feeling loved”. Thank God Karan is not in Facebook. I closed my app and headed home with a sense of unknown happiness.
I woke up with couple of red notifications on my Facebook profile after a really long time. To my surprise my posted was liked by 13 people and have a handful of ‘aww’ &  ‘enjoy’ and ’ Stay blessed’ comments. I felt strangely motivated. I feel refreshed like I really had a relaxing dinner last night. I wanted something nice to work today. I decided to try a dress which I had kept aside to return. I didn’t bother to wake up Karan to ask if I look ok. I felt confident for some reason.  On the way, I noticed a group of school kids taking a ‘selfie’.  I was in the lobby and happened to see bright red roses.  I stopped by to try taking a selfie.  I was not sure how to do that camera angle,   was proud of myself to figure out my phone indeed had a front camera, and then I clicked. I could see my face and my dress and red roses on the background. I was happy with my first one. I headed to my desk feeling like a teen who was told by someone she looked pretty. At break, I decided to check Facebook again, I have likes from even friends I don’t remember being in my list. I felt I am now a member of the happiness club. I decided to post my selfie. To my surprise, within seconds, I started getting likes, my ex- boyfriends also in the list. I decided to be thankful to these likes and comments.This is a give and take world. I randomly started liking and commenting on my friends posts. My feed started getting more active, so did my profile. I started getting personalized messages; invitations to various closed groups, whatsapp messages form those ‘happy’ friends asking ‘Wassup’. I felt like the newly inducted babe in the club. I decided to update my pseudo life. I made sure I had a weekly post on how we ‘enjoyed’ some activity. I managed to find all the pictures of us together and started posting them. I even wanted to be happy with Karan in real life. I started talking to him about my friends and his friends and things we could do. Clearly he is perplexed at my changes. I started posting pictures of the ‘ordinary’ home food which looked fab in the Instagram. My likes and comments skyrocketed and I continued reciprocating those. I started molding my life into a series of posts.  My dress, my food habits, my shopping, get-togethers, I made sure those are Facebook worthy. I didn’t want any repeats on my pseudo life. What I missed, I gained in my other life.  I slept hoping for more notifications and I wake up excited to see those. I am nauseated in the happiness and attention I receive in my virtual world. I am addicted. To be happy and to hide what I am in my real life.  I wonder how many are like me in the real world. I wonder. ..Miles to go before I update my next post on Facebook.