March 27, 2013

Letter to My Amma

Note : This is a very personal note of mine. I contemplated whether it would be right on my part to publish this in an open space like this. But I thought maybe for those people out there who take their parents for granted should stop their busy independent lives for a moment and appreciate what they have with them. I was one of those unfortunate ones who never got a chance to appreciate the worth of my dear Mother. But I  hope you are not one like me. I always thought the hugs and sweet words was not a necessity and they are just phony ways. But today I realise maybe I was wrong.

Dear Amma
I know I cannot begin this letter with those clich├ęd questions asking how you are doing and hoping you are doing good out there. I sincerely don’t know why I decided to write this letter to you, but suddenly yesterday night I wanted myself to know how much change 7 years has brought in me.
Everyone tells me that you are watching me every day and you still take care of me like you used to. If it’s true, then you must be happy to see me married to someone who you would love more than me , which would have made me so jealous and kept me complaining that you are partial to him. Balu is like those students of yours who you always talked about at home, hardworking, research oriented and at the same time very much a family guy. He is so like you in many ways and I find it hard to keep up with his optimism and finding happiness in small things which is what you tried to instill in me. I should admit that I was attracted to him for the qualities you liked in a person much more than I liked.
I am embarrassed to admit that I still call him ‘Amma’ when I wake up in the morning because even after 7 years I still feel that you are the one sharing my bed. I still sleep talk, cry and kick in my sleep and Balu is also finding it difficult like you used to.
You should be happy to know that I have gained around 6 kgs since you last saw me. Unlike past, I eat better quantities and you should be proud to hear that I eat almost everything I hated then; especially the vegetables. Today I realize  how wrong I was wasting all the food you used to make for me and fighting with you almost every day for wasting all the homemade food. After you left, I craved for your cooking and started appreciating all food. Ever since I started cooking, I realized how hurt you must have felt seeing me waste the precious food you used to make after your tiring day at work. I am really sorry for giving you a hard time at home.
I still remember the days when I hated attending Guitar classes and you used to drive me saying I would appreciate learning an instrument someday later. I really regret not having taken your words seriously and today I realize what a loss of opportunity it was. Even after being a single parent you gave me lot of opportunities to learn and advance and I think I did not appreciate it then. But now I realize how hard it must have been for you raising me and working full time. Though I must have ignored your advices then, I try to instill me in those things you wanted to see in me. Better late than never.
As promised to you, I have never colored my hair. I can think of only very few promises you wanted from me and I am really proud that even after seeing this generation kids, you gave me all the freedom, facilities and opportunities which I am really proud of. I am really happy that you celebrated my 19 birthdays and never ever deprived me of a birthday fun. I still am lazy to wake up early in the morning and I remember those incentive plan you made if I get up early and study.
Balu’s mother (I call her Amma) is like you in many ways. She also talks a lot and has so many friends like you. I am sure you must have been good friends. I did go to the church in Kollam where we used to throw coins when we go in train. It was really nice to go around the places where you spent your childhood. I used to make fun of you when you used to talk nonstop about Kollam. But today I do the same about Calicut.
I should admit that I realized your values much late in my life and I never appreciated even once or cared to give you a hug and say how much I love you. Almost every day you are in my dream and I dreamed a zillion times that you came back to my life. I hope I find a good career soon and make you proud of the education you gave me.
Sometimes I wish you are just a call away and you hear all my complaints I have to tell you. I really miss gossiping with you and watching all those Hindi serials together. I am only happy for one thing. I didn't have to leave you behind alone after I got married. But as days passes, I realize how nice it would have been to have you in my life once again and share those beautiful moments together. I know how much you wanted to be a mother to my husband and a grandmother to my kids. I shall miss you in every walk of my Life. I am really grateful to the new people I have in my life and also the ones who we had in our life for trying hard to keep me always happy like you wanted to see me. I miss you Amma!!


Rohini Krishnamoorthy said...

Dear chellu.. Very well written dear.. I am sure you amma is really proud of you... she is very lucky to have got such a wonderful daughter... She has inspired many people deeply, and I am one of them... Yes, we all will miss her.. She has given me the courage and confidence to follow the path I want...
She is and will always be my most favourite teacher, mentor and guide...

shruti malvi said...

Dear Chellu, [if i'm not wrong thats ur pen name]
Read ur letter to Amma sitting besides my 13 yr old daughter who's studying fr her Math xam tomoro. I had to exercise all my might to restrain my eyes welling up so as not to perturb her.
I didnt feel atall as if i was reading something written by a stranger. I read it all with ease, feeling every bit.
I congratulate you for the sincerity, honesty and innocence in there. You r an intelligent girl, who can feel and express as a bonus.
God bless u. :)