Change of Seasons

The love in the lyrics haunting my smile
I skipped a heart beat when I hugged you
all the pain and grief that stuffed my past
washed away in that tear of joy;
I smelt the blossoming seasons in your breath
moving in the ocean of endless hopes and dreams
closing my eyes to grab the beauty of your presence
my soul bonding its alter presence across the miles
Here we stand together to be more closer than ever
fathoming our love for a more beautiful tomorrow..

Dew Drop!

Dewdrops failed to whisper to me
Holding you in the warmth of my palm
arid past stay untouched in my eyes
My fingers shivered in holding you tight
swallowing the pain,I smiled at you;
Failing to see the gleam in your eyes
I recalled those dark shadows to guide me back
retracing my path in my teardrops
subliming the heartbeats in the rhytmn
I droped you to a blossoming bud
away from the deadly teary fog
just to see you smile and shine

Mindless Mosaics

Best time to give a little thought to ‘About me; is when we travel, I just love the time when I get to myself on my way to work. I tune into my favorite FM Channel and listen to their classic breakfast show. Then comes the fun part, People generally have a notion such a ‘self’ space is very dangerous. But I believe it’s nice to have a thought about your past and you’re present. I don’t want to call it’s a retrospection as that term has a lot of guilt associated with it. Apart from regrets, there are many small things which you yourself ignored which can make you proud and put a smile upon your face.
Last day I happened to see the latest building wonder.’ The Burj Kahalifa’.Buildings these days symbolizes the attitude of people. Everybody wants to rise so high, but their mind set is so narrow, The narrow pencil like structure might be architecture marvel, But to me it just symbolized a structure trying to prove ‘You can’t beat me’.
I got to learn some interesting facts about the mallus out here. They starve; they save every single ‘dirham’ and wire it back home. It’s interesting to note that most people here have a ‘sharing accommodation’. Its if a flat/house has three bedrooms and a drawing room, there will be 4 families staying in that house with a common kitchen and a bathroom. I was shocked to see even an average income guy would prefer living this way with his family coz that is the best way to save money. At the end of the day, everybody wants to have a huge bank balance back home. I sometimes wonder how long they can keep doing this. Is our ultimate motto in life is have a huge savings when we retire or to have a satisfactory life till we retire? My house owner once told me(who is earning a huge amount every month making 3 other families stay at his house), I live like a laborer here and I live like a king in my house back home. His ‘King’ role comes once in a year, But is it worth all the pain and compromises to have a royal stay once in a year. Well each one of us has a different outlook towards life. We have a different mission and vision, but I guess I would like to live life to the fullest today like I will die tomorrow.

A word!

Holding your hands and closing my eyes
I could see all those buds waiting to blossom
the smell of the new season and air of warmth
Hurting my hands I felt your fingers moving away
I tried to wake up from the dream to stop you
You walked away faster than my heart beats
Hurting my eyes,I woke up to stop you
I see the remains of the fall.
My steps retracing those sand writings
I smiled to myself trying to wash it away with my tears

Where the dreams come true?

Life is full of surprises!You enjoy certain surprises and certain you fail to be 'Surprised'.Sitting in the flight to Abudhabi,I failed to be 'Surprised'.I just wanted to see where this 'Life flight' would take me.I smiled at myself for those notions I had about myself,my career and my so called surprise filled 'Life'.I looked around to find many faces with a 'hope' or rather I could see they were all carrying a dream.A dream of survival.I didnt have any dream or a hope.I was still running away from a lot of things.I wanted to stop and look at myself and answer those questions inside me.But all that came out of me was a 'Sigh'.A sigh to look ahead and wait for more surprises,beat the recession,learn to be a good fighter.I was shocked at the way people at the immigration treat the females who fly to Middle east.I was asked a hell lot of questions and had to show all my degree certificates at the Calicut Airport.The lady at the immigration sounded as if I am some maid trying to migrate there.I was really upset the way females were treated even if they have proper documents especially by a lady officer.I just couldnt stop myself frm telling her 'Please do not see everybody with the same eyes'.I dont understand the reason why the asked me a hell lot of silly questions when my employment visa had a 'Civil Engineer' clearly stated on it.
Gulf!Where the dreams come true...
Today I see how certain dreams come true.Here in this part of the world everybody has a story to tell.Why they are here!There is only one thing common to all those people who come here.Some day or the other they all want to go back home..
Its just been a few weeks here.But I realized I am blessed to be sitting in a bed under a roof with a laptop in front of me.I have no idea if my writing would help those people to understand the plight of thousands of people in this part of the world who work day and night for a living.Buses with these laborers with their heads down is a common sight here.I wonder what gives them the strength to survive in this scorching heat and those pathetic labor camps?I wonder if their dear ones back home can ever give them the true appreciation..
To be Continued

Once upon a time...

There were a lot of things which were a part of us and our routine,but cease to even flash in our minds.Last day I saw couple of school kids waiting for their school van.Certain things which were so much part of my childhood just flashed through my mind.I am not sure if everybody can relate to this,But I would like to scribble a few fond memories I had in my school life
1.Exam time :We used to have half day exams thrice a year.I loved exam time as I could be back home for lunch and watch all the TV Programs which I used to miss otherwise.During exams we never carry our backpacks,it was always those big 'textile plastic covers' to carry the pencil box and the writing pad.I used to keep the good ones under the bed exclusively for exam time.We used to compare the covers in class and always wanted our cover to look the best :).I still remember the time I got the 'paper bag' for the first time.I saved it for the annual exam and made sure it was safe and away from the hands of my mother.
2.Name slip.I was crazy about nameslips.Before the school starts it was a custom that me and my amma sit together and cover all the notebooks and textbooks with the plastic coated brown covers.I used to adore the special white colored ones my classmates used to bring which was available only abroad.Nameslip was a status symbol too.I never used to stick those nameslips you get for free from shops,But always wanted the glitter cartoon ones.I still remember me telling someone that my biggest wish in my life is to get 1000 nameslips from God.
3.Lunch time.I was/still a slow eater.There were only a few dayscholars in our class.But we all used to sit together and discuss everything for lunch.We always waited to see what was inside our friend's lunch box.Then comes the sharing part.I miss those lunch sessions when we could take anything from anybody's lunchbox which tastes 1000 times better than what was in our lunch box.

Lot more to write,But I guess space is not enough.In a nutshell I miss my school days.Innocent days,innocent dreams and innocent minds.Wish I never grew up :)

Treasure Hunt

I was wondering what would make me get an admission in Wharton school even if I have a full GMAT score?To make it more simple how do I stand out from others?This question has been haunting me for the past couple of months.I have been thinking what would make me different?How will I leave a mark on this globe?.How can I make my life meaningful?Most of the people I come across lead a mechanical life.They have temporary goals and most have them try to make a difference to their dear ones.Many of us are really not bothered.We feel a common person like us can never stand out in this crowd.But I guess its worth thinking once in a while 'What makes me different'?Being a jack of all trades never takes you anywhere,You have to be a master,A master of your soul and also that special 'thing' which makes you glitter much more than those zillion stars around us.I wonder when would other stars smile at me?I am still wondering what is that unique gift God has hidden in me.Discovering that would be the greatest treasure hunt for each one of us :).Its never late.Let us all think at least for a second.What is that hidden treasure which would help us leave a mark ?Lets make a difference to someone if not everyone. :)

Echoes!

Those shadows surrounded me
I tried to wake up my dream
my crippled eyes kept me in darkness
I cried aloud to wake you up
I heard your footsteps walking away
My words cease to make you smile
tears could wash away my mistakes
Rhythm hugging my passion
Can you stop to listen to my words?
Embrace it when you miss your steps
turn around to see me waiting;
Colors fade to bring the new sky
I see you in those buds to blossom
Holding back everything I owe you
I express in my silence and my blind dreams

Just for me!

PS:Not edited!

A true victim of recession.Sigh!I hate to admit that.But I still wonder why ME?I am sick of all the motivating and optimistic and spiritual lectures I get to hear everyday.But I frankly regret to have done so well in my studies since school.Inspite of reading biographies of people who did a lot of hardwork to make it big,I really dont know why I still have a lot of expectations about my career.I find it hard to compromise.I know this is a bad time to be choosy,But today I feel even if I give away my dreams and ambitions,its hard for me to find a job.
I had a terrible experience when I decided to try my hand in teaching.I thought it would be a good idea to go teach in an Engineering college rather than sitting at home and wait for the 'VISA' which seems to be a illusion! On my first day to college,I was shocked to see the number of private engineering college buses in the stand.Students dressed in uniforms,It was hard for me to comprehend the fact that they were engineering students.Engineering has just become an extension of 12 std.The college was no different from a school.I felt bad about myself coming back to such an environment.But I used to love teaching and I felt it was a good service.But unfortunately the class turned out to be another shock.It was hard to believe they cleared the entrance examination because most of them didnt know even the basic geometry.But the worst part was the attitude of the students.Students behaved to me as if I am some random girl they met in some park .Forget about showing a little respect,they were throwing offensive words on me.My pride just couldn't let me continue there.I found it funny when they asked me'Teacher,Why did you come to teach in a college like this even after doing your MS from US,Didnt you get any other job'.I was heartbroken.I realized how much ever we try for certain things,most of the things are out of our control.
I wish I had lesser pride,lesser expectations out of life.But sometime I think ;Have I not sacrificed enough to have to have little happiness or rather not to be in an 'unhappy' state?

Discovery of India-Glimpses

Discovery of India-Part 1

Not that I am a travel freak. Traveling and sightseeing were never in my list of hobbies.But I always knew I wanted to see and feel ‘Life patterns’.See as many people I can and feel how is to be a different soul groomed and bred in a different corner of the world.When I travel it’s not the scenic beauty that captures my attention,its always the people.I remember my Amma telling others that how her daughter can never enjoy the nature or rather love the nature. :)

One day I was showing an American friend of mine a few pictures of my visits in US.I had a little pride in my words as I was lucky enough to visit a lot of famous tourist destinations in US.My snaps also had this pic of me in front of the statue of liberty.I was telling her how happy I was to be near one of the wonders of the world.But her next question shut my mouth completely.She asked me for the picture at Taj Mahal.That question made me think.Rather than exploring foreign land,Should I not see my Mother India and her wonderful diversity?

For me North Indians and North India was all to do with rich sarees, ornaments and rich food. Thanks to Ekta Kapoor serials.I was so excited when two of my friends agreed to accompany me toexplore those places I marked on the Map for my History and Geography classes.

Thanks to Bollywood,for some reason I was feeling so filmy sitting in the Taxi on our way to my friend’s place from Delhi Airport.I wanted to sing aloud ‘Masarkali Masarkali’.But thought it would be a little too much drama and excitement.But I felt kinda patriotic for some reason.Must be the fact that I was finally at the Capital of the country.The fun part was that right from the airport everybody expects you to be fluent in your National tongue.To brush our hindi skills me and Anna (My friend) started counting ‘ek do teen..’ after 29there was a gradual decline in the pace of our recitation. I knew the driver was amused.Our Delhi friend (DKP) tried her level best to shut our mouths to save herself from the embarrassment. Two years has changed her Hindi.I still remember teasing her in College about her handicapped Hindi.Sigh!We quickly brushed p our gender issues and article and other grammatical issues and finally settled for a ‘hum hein haim’ end for all the sentences.

The first thing I learnt after stepping outside Kerala was to bargain for everything.It was disheartening to see the autorickshaw drivers looting the public.Thanks to those few days in Chennai before our delhi trip.:)Our first mission was to to explore the shopping streets of Delhi.Yes I know what you must be thinking.Girls and shopping are inseperable. But behind my shopping mission I also had to do justice to my appetite craving for those typical northie specialities.The scary jaundice experiences of both of my friends couldn’t stop me from those bhaji and puri walas.It was a bliss!I felt excited. At the same time I couldn’t ignore a lot of things in those streets.Small kids hardly 10 year old as hawkers in streets selling stuff and begging the tourists.A small change in our fate,We might have been one of them.Even if they have dreams,only miracles might help them conquer what we are all blessed with.It was a thrilling experience to bargain.We struggled in our crippled hindi for even 2 digit bargaining, but then we learnt a lot of tricks which made us save a few hundreds J.Thanks to our frequent’Kam karona bhayya’ and those dramatic ‘walk outs’.It was quiet adventurous!!! ;).

Continued…

Tone!

I logged into write about my North India trip.My Discovery of India,Dicovery of Faith,culture and Life.But somehow I feel I just couldnt bring that broad mindness in my life even after seeing life on a bigger frame.I saw people living in streets,kids doing hard labour to feed themselves once a day.I felt I was in heaven.I have a place to live,clthes to wear and a lot of people to count on.I promised myself not to complain about what I dont have and be thankful to what I have.But I realise its really hard.Its really difficult for a normal person to stop thinking about what we deprive and be thankful.I came back thinking I am a changed person.But I am not.I still cant stop worrying about a lot of things.Uncertainity about my job,my career.I feel I wasted almost a year looking for a job.Still I dont have a solid offer.I wanted my life to be menaingful,make atleast a small change in this big world.But I feel it can be done only once we stabilize ourselves.Making your life solid.People might intepret it as self love.But everybody is not Mother Teresa.For common people like us,its our worries and ambitions that matter to us the most,to ccome out that narrow mindness it takes a lot of courage and faith in ourselves.I wish it was easy for me to realise I am blessed!

Take the Time...

My lyrics cried louder
the echoes made my heart weaker
I stood with your shadow in that dark road
you failed to hold my hands to that star
I could see it shine on my tear drop
Shine on my fate!
My next step will take away your shine.
Could you walk over to me for a day?
I promise to seal you in my breath cloud.
Wish you could replace the shadow
I need you,a real you..
Never will you dry in my arms
The rhythm of my faith will keep you alive
I wish for you today,my lips fails to call out your name.

Weekend Tidbits

Its been some months,I am not bored yet.I am busy with something or the other.Have a lot to write,but somehow feel its not the time to vent it out.Be it be about my job,my future plans,family politics everybody has something or the other to ask me.That is something unique about our place.People can always keep you busy with their questions.
But its fun to observe people,see the variety in them.Studying different characters and the way they analyse stuff itself is pretty interesting.People find it hard to accept anything straight.They always try to find the other side.People don't even let others die in peace.Even for normal death,they try to find something abnormal.Human psychology is lot related to their community and also family background.
Recently a relative of mine asked me about my boyfriend.I told her,Unfortunately I dont have one.But she couldn't belive,she was trying to convince me that I do have one and out of fear I am not admitting.It was funny that for most of people here,if you have been aborad you should have someone..:P
So for all those who are planning to be here for vacations,make sure you are herfe with some spicy stories for some people eagerly waiting for u ;)
Matrimonial hunt is on full swing.Thanks to the astrologer who claims I will marry only after 2 years and that too to someone I will find myself.I couldnt stop laughing when he told me that.I felt bad for my family who thought ,they will somehow get me engaged before I go back..
I couldnt stop myself from asking the details of the guy,he kinda sensed that I was mocking the so called science,But then I would rather want to know thw depth of the river before I would start swimming..I wonder why people dont drag these guys to family courts when they file divorce..
I prefer to get a declaration from them before they announce my horoscope match with some 10 stars with someone else's...But for them,there is one major clause..Its all your fate!!!

Dew..

Those whispers failed to enlighten me

my fear echoed in your way

I moved my hands to reach your soul

the frozen memories entangled my hands

My eyes searched for those moments in your eyes.

Those teardrops might kill your smile

I smiled to see those drops roll back

A lie to the world,a truth to my life.

A rain Drop!

The media has been after the Suicidal death of a Dental Student for the past 1 week.With all the student political groups trying hard to butcher the college campus and breaking every window possible of the faculty and management,I really doubt if those fellows even bothered enquiring what lead to that girl's death.The public and the political groups are busy criticizing the teachers and the management.
As per the media she commited suicide because she was asked to repeat a lab experiment by a cruel(again as per the media) professor.I agree that it is a bit disheartening for any student to repeat or fail in an academic test.But I really dont want to blame the teacher here.Even if she was a bit hard on her or must have raised her voice against this girl,Do you think its a strong reason for somebody to suicide??
Atleast in our country we have been trianed in schools and collges to respect our teachers,obey them and to an extend accept their punishments.Even at homes our parents raise their voice if they think we are not in the right path.But not everyday do we think about ending our lives.
I strongly feel that the younger generation is becoming very sensitive.They cant even accept slightest hardships in life.The moment they feel that the life is not moving as desired,they justt want to escape forver.There is no question of fighting against it or even about having a bit of perseverence.For this generation escapism is the only solution.
I strongly feel that, before we blame the faculy for that girl's death,we should think again if a punishment is a crime in our education system.All of us, at some point in our life has been punished by our teachers.Personaly I still respect and value those teachers who punished me in school.This girl's suicide might be an isolated case.Her loss is a torture for her dear ones.But the next generation should learn not to blame the system,but to ask themselves if they have the will power to move on.I feel children should be trained at both home and school to face certain hiccups in life.many of us fail to acknowledge that life is a rollercoaster ride.We are failing to explore that inner strength in us and to accept that life is not a fairy tale with a 'happily ever after'.

Coming Back to 'LIFE'..

I was excited about coming back,But now I am missing many things I failed to appreciate there.Never knew that I would terribly miss some people I met two years ago.Mebbe its a little hard to stay away from people who you met late in your life.Its been just a day here.But already I am being piled with questions like 'when will you go back?' "what are your future plans?'..Reminds me of the old malayalam movie 'Varavelpu' :P
As I approached the asian subcontinent I could feel the difference.The courtesy,the manners,cleanliness everything declined.But for a person who grew up here,it might not be a big deal.But I realised there are a lot of things we should adopt from the western culture not blindly their fashion.It was hilarious when I saw how our people were pushing and pulling to get into the gate at the airport, like they do in the buses here.Forget abt apologizing for hurting you,I even heard people swearing at each other as if the seats might be filled if they dont get inside the flight at the earliest :)
During my transit at Kuwait airport ,we had a proper Swine flu screening with medical attendants testing temperatures of every passenger.But the irony was at the TVM airport when I saw this huge crowd before the immigration counter.There was this one doc and around 100 passengers crowded around him.He was distributing a paper which was a questionnaire which apparently would help them to understand if we have swine flu.In my opinionIt was the lamest way of screening .All that we need to do was just sign a declaration that we dont have fever,cough or cold.When he saw that I was coming from US,he asked me Bhadra,Do you have cough or cold?Duh!!I would do anything anything to get away from that crowd coz if I had to stay there in the mess for a few more minutes I would definitely have some weird flu soon.
Had a lot to write,But I think I should wrap up..Jet lagged!!Yaaawn!

Country Roads..Take me Home!

There are times when you have a lot to talk about,discuss and analyze,But you prefer to be taciturn.I hardly have two weeks in this country.There is something that still makes me feel that I couldn't complete my mission here.Two years here made me realise some wonderful truths about myself.Except for a little change in my outlook,nothing really changed me.My principles,my ideologies are still the same and I am still holding on to them.Surprisingly one thing that changed was my faith; I realised that the compromises I made in my life, is not a necessity to live in this world :).It was just a moral of age old bed time story.

I was totally ignorant about H1 Bs and job prospects in US.Honestly I never had an 'American dream'.All that I wanted then was some exposure,a good education and an escape from a few haunting memories.I was in a cocoon 20 years of my life.Lived in the same place,went to the same school,did my undergrad at the same place.My whole life was confined in that small university town.When I got an admit at NIT Calicut,I just felt that I was promoted to next class after 12!Nothing changed except uncle and aunties became sirs and madams.I still got to stay at home and walk to the door steps of a  reputed college.

But when I packed my bags to fly here,I wanted to see a world,see myself grow into a butterfly that can adapt to any environment anywhere in the world.Today I feel ,I am what I wanted to be.A butterfly!But  there is this one wing of mine that fails to help me fly back to my home, the greed for more independence and more space.

A job,a visa and a few other strings  have crippled my wings.But the truth is that it is just a virtual handicap.

I always used to have an option open in my life.Never had to sit idle and wait or struggle to explore options.Today I realise my priorities are jumbled.I could have happily settled for a job after graduation if not for the recession.Five months of rigorous job hunt here made me realise that I failed to see my default option.To go back to my home country!

But there is something which forbids me from going back to the cocoon again.It might be the safest place on earth.But my wings wont fit me back there and it is always difficult to seal back the broken cocoon.

Today I stand with two good degrees in my hand.Dont know what is in store for me back in India.I am breaking those strings holding me back here.My broken wing will get stronger once I start flying.When we feel the whole world is conspiring to take away all your options,there might be one default option we fail to see.It might be the best and beautiful option,But never compromise your heart to settle for something you really dont want to do even if every single bird chirps the song glorifying it on your ears.

I am excited about getting back to those auto rickshaws.I want to breathe the air without showing my visa status and passport.The dirt free life in here might instill more dirt in my head.All that I want now is to be in the dirt that belongs to me..:)

Luck Hunt

Sometimes we see a pattern in our life.The unpredictable life becomes predictable at times.Like those researchers trying to predict the patterns of stock market,disappointed hearts tend to research on the patterns of events in their life.The words 'Faith' and 'Fate' always confuse me.I was brought up saying fate can be controlled by having a little Faith in almighty.Though I pray everyday,visit temples whenever I get a chance,I sometimes fail to have a little faith.I try hard to convince my heart to embrace the faith.But my head being more rational tends to give me a very pessimistic leap into the life ahead.
I am lucky to have a lot of people who love me so dearly.People who pray for me more than they pray for members in their family.I try to have a faith in their wishes,I can smile anytime of the day or rather proud about having so many people who love me so dearly,But still I always have a fear.I fear about this word which haunts me regularly.'Luck'.I see the resonance in the pattern,rather in every body's pattern,some are lucky all the time,some are lucky sometimes and some are never lucky.
Being at the right place at the right time is not something we can work on.Astrologer consultations,wearing your lucky stones,the expensive poojas,tarot cards help them to have a faith,but again does it really help them always?
Hardworking people,brilliant people might not be able to make it to places some ordinary people get it by chance.Its not about me,but about some minority in this world,who deserves much more than what they are now.Prayers,wishes,hard work,passion, might not help them.All that they need is a little 'Luck'.
If there is a predestined path for all of us,why is this path so partial?.Why isn't it balanced with ups and downs.Do anyone of us care to be one among those unfortunate souls who slips down in every step they take, in spite of having a zillion hands to help them stand on their foot again.Do we ever think about their fear in taking a new step knowing they would fall down the next minute?We can just give them a hand,But not a pinch of 'Luck' destined in our share.

My Immortal

Your smile is our strength

And your strength is our smile