Lifting shadows off a Dream

Rat Race

2012-01-31T01:23:00.000-06:00

I still remember the 'Mourning' we had at home when my entrance result came out.My amma was expecting her daughter to get hold of a two digit rank,but unfortunately she ended up in a 3 digit rank.A rank less than 500 was considered to be above average for most except for some academicians who eat sleep and live 'Engineering'.Being a daughter of a Professor of a reputed Institute was indeed taxing.Though my amma used to talk about non engineering careers,I am pretty sure she wouldnt have been happy if her daughter had chosen another profession.Succumbing to my deep attachment to my amma and my home,I decided to chose a branch which was considered not so 'attractive' in one of the premier Institutes of the country when i had the option of getting a circuit branch in the best state engineering college.I dont know if I took a bad decision at 18 years of age seeing the hype of college ranking and brand value.But it seemed to be a bad decision on monetory terms when you are one of the top rankers but you dont get high paying jobs like the other circuit branches.I was quiet disapointed when I see the entire strength in so called circuit branches sweeped by MNC offering hefty packages which you cant dream in your branch(I guess I should admit that the non attractive branch is Civil Engineering)
After deciding to do my masters in a reputed University abroad I didnt have much luck with a job,Thanks to Recession of 2008.Inspite of many advising me to take up a job in IT,I was not ready to leave my 6 years of education.Finally I ended up in a corner of the earht where the 'not so attractive branch' is the most attractive branch.I see circuit branch people struggling to find a decent job in Middle East.But then it puts me to thought.Doest all the rat race in the entrance really matter in life?Mebbe taking up a circuit branch would have been a better decision.It might be a idiotic conclusion.But one sure bet for those who do not have an aversion for IT can easily get a IT from any college,join a MNC see the world in somebody else's expense.
But if we had a little more discretion about the what to chose as a career,I would have been happily blaming myself for the career path.But then back then it was the peer pressure.I am sure atleast the present generation should be free from the entrance mad race.Be what you will be Proud of.Choose a profession which is equivalent to your passion.I hope when I become a parent I dont get carried away by the social trends..After almost 10 years of writing entrance I feel that the tension,the stress and the pressure was all for some kind of a oasis which kept moving away from you..There was a hope in our young minds that once you clear the 'Entrance' you can live happily ever after.But then it is just an 'EXIT' from all the secured and tension free life under your parents.The real Rat race is yet to begin.

Pre Wedding Updates

2011-11-29T06:20:00.000-06:00

Behind the creation of this blog,there was this small hidden agenda.It was sort of an escapism or rather a venting out my frustrations against my reluctance to enter a marriage or relationship.The reason that time was that I still was on look out for a ‘Prince Charming’ who would come in that white horse and be a saviour and shower me with lot of happiness.Almost four years after I started dreaming I am all set to take a ride on the horse with my handsome Prince.
I guess I feel a ‘Cold Feet’ now.We happen to be two individuals who were kinda bored of their regular routine and decided to find a friendship in a stranger who they considered as a backup life partner if they don't happen to find anybody worthy enough.Backups later turned to a necessity for future and decided to go ahead with a life long commitment.
This is the story of a geeky scientist and a story teller who happens to be in two deserts on extremities of earth.
Just hardly a month for our marriage,not knowing when we can start a life together on the same corner of earth,here we are on the verge of a so called turning point.
Both of us are quiet busy inviting our friends and doing our pre wedding shopping,little do we have planned our future but the two weeks we are going to be together.I wonder if changing ur marital status might affect my social circles or friendships.But it comes with a lot of responsibility to each other and our families.Its gonna be a rock climbing.Certain stations we take a break and breath and refresh and resume the climb.Hope the rocks are supportive,ropes are strong and we have a lot of fun together in reaching our destination.I hope to update my blog ‘From a Wife’s point of View’...

The 'Mallu' Accent

2011-10-08T09:35:00.002-05:00

I spent 20 years in Mallu land and little did I know then that I would be ridiculed for my accent rest of my life.It was when I flew to US,I got the first slap on my face for my accent.Thankfully since all Americans think that most Indians have a common accent,I was saved from any kind of humiliation from them.It was the so called 'Indians' from other states who had a BIG issue with my accent.Initially It was very hard for me to understand what made my accent stand out from normal Indian accent,a lot of bullying and ridiculing by close friends and acquaintances made me realise I indeed had a "Mallu Accent".I consciously made an effort to distiguish 'Rose' & 'Ross',but alas I realised it was just in my blood.I comforted myself saying accent is not a big deal in life.
But the irony is that like there is an 'American' accent and 'British' accent,I too can make out where someone is from from his/her accent,But neither me or my fellow mallus I know make a fun of their accents.But whats the big deal with the Mallu accent alone?I belive an accent cant be a disturbance or a reason for irritation for anyone.Chineese,Koreans,name any region,they have their own way of talking English,But when a mallu like me utter a few words,its always a reason for humiliation.
After my tenure in US,when I shifted to 'Gelf' where its all about mallu,honestly I too wished at times there was a little less mallu people around here.90% of my colleagues are also mallus so luckily I never had an issue with my accent until this 'Bombay' raised south Indian came to my team.For the past few days I have been watching him deliberatly ridiculing certain words,When I tried to be polite and made him understand I do realise that I have a mallu accent,he just couldnt stop with it.Its a common trend seen these days.They just dont realise they too have a regional accent,but belives its just that Mallus who have an accent.
I am not someone who tries to adapt to forgein accent just coz I spent some years abroad.All I did was to bit slow down when I talked to those people there,When they could understand me well,whats with my fellow Indians.Its not about understanding a conversation,its just some other weird.I just wrote this as I was humiliated a lot for my accent.I just cant go back to my school to those lovely teachers for not correcting my accent..Is it really Important in Life??Speaking proper language matters,but I guess its all about a 'Non Mallu' accent that really matters to people.Indians are the most racists people I guess,we are divided based on the region and religion,even if we choose not to,such silly 'accents' make u feel that you are not an Indian but a 'Mallu'...C'mon people just grow up!
(I Hope there was nothing malluish in my writing...)

A Tooth Brush Cliche

2011-08-28T04:44:00.000-05:00

I still have this huge fascination for 'buy one get one free'.Recently I stumbled upon a deal where I would get a toothbrush free with a toothbrush.Since I was looking for both,I jumped on the offer since it was also mentioned that the brush was some special 'all in one' tooth brush.Before going to bed that day,I decided to try this new brush.To my horror I kinda felt that the head of the brush was broken into two pieces inside my mouth.I took it out to examine if it was the problem with my new brush or my teeth which has been cursed with dental correction since childhood.To my amusement I found that this special brush had this rubber base which acts like a divider as if it is almost about to break into two pieces.I continued my brushing with this amusing brush and almost felt as if some weird piece of crap was hitting my gum and teeth.(I would want to write about the throw up I had after this.It is left to the imagination of the reader)
I am wondering where technology is rushing to.They are even making a simple tooth brush complex.I would be really happy with a standstill brush which I am used to since childhood.Maybe I am not tech savy or is reluctant to adapt myself with the latest technologies and gadget.But why would a tooth brush be so complex and weird?Is this part of tooth brush evolution?Alas I still use this new technology brush to make myself happy about the price I paid for the deal.I would definitively look for a brush which says 'Normal' next time.

NB: My teeth doesn't seem to be whitened as claimed in the cover of the tooth brush

Generation Gap..

2011-08-15T02:44:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid,My grandpa used to tell me that he believed in Simple Living and High thinking.Little did I appreciate then about the philosophical outlook of his.But at a age we were madly demanding stuff from our parents and busy competing with peers on the value of the those tiny gadgets and stuffs which we carried to school,the sayings of great men never had a real impact.
Fortunately my mother never pampered me with the luxuries of life as she too believed that a good education and good values was what we would always carry with us.I still remember that for every new thing I demand,she used to keep an academic constrain.So only if I did well in exams,I used to get what I wanted.Though I never appreciated such practices.
But lately I feel that my bringing up has helped me appreciate non materialistic values much more than materialistic love.Not that I am someone who completely detest materialistic gifts.I am infact someone who loves getting gifts from others.But I would say our generation was much better off in appreciating the deed of a gift not the value of the gift.
I see around kids pampered by all sort of gifts and gadgets and their demanding nature is evolving into a strange gene of selfishness and greediness.Infact It is very difficult to satisfy kids these days.They judge people based on the brand value of gifts and the value of gifts.
Infact there is no innocence in them which make us adore them.The matured talks,the complex thinking doesnt make them kids.I sometimes look for the kid in them,but I fail to see them.Maturity beyond age in disastrous to an extend,But many parents are proud about it.Mebbe this is part of evolution..
The true joy of happiness and satisfaction is missing somewhere.
Mebbe I should evolve my outlook to understand and appreciate the new generation demands..But I always end up searching for my childhood memories in this complex web....

Treasure Hunt

2011-07-12T06:44:00.000-05:00

Like many others,I too am eagerly looking forward for the answer of that Million or rather the Billion Doller Question. Who owns the 22 Billion $ found in the Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple in Kerala.
I have been to that temple couple of times, have admired the architecture and the serenity of the temple, little did I know some years down the Line this would be a world famous after a Treasure Hunt. Kerala yet again proved that it is indeed ‘God’s own Country’.
The Temple which had hardly a dozen security personnel is now thronged by security, media and curious Public. The recent decision of Supreme Court not to open the last vault which is believed to have an equally valuable set of precious stones.Its indeed a very prudent decision made by the Chief Minister that the State is not going to Claim the Wealth. The Royal Head himself has made a statement that he or anybody in the family is going to claim it.In this era of selfishness and mad race for money, it should be well appreciated and acknowledged
There is this discussion about the wealth to be utilized for Public education, healthcare and general upliftment of people.Is it really practical to implement this in our corrupt political system.?Do you think this wealth is something that should be sold in the market and bid for?All these generations it has been safeguarded by the Royal family and one fine morning it should be used for Public Welfare.I am well aware about the poverty of our country, the needs of people. But I don’t think we have a false proof system to properly utilize this wealth.But then the question arises whether we should keep this wealth idle?Mebbe yes! Why not a Museum,so that the the present generation should know what India was before the Brisitsh looted us.Many of us have a psychological feeling India is a Poor nation and we have nothing much to be proud of.But some pleasant surprises proving our rich past is indeed a moral boost for the present generation to thrive ourselves back to that splendid era of Prosperity of our Nation.
Lets wait and see what would happen to this Treasure.Will it just vanish in the air?

A walk to Remember!

2011-07-07T14:42:00.000-05:00

I moved my lips for that one word
the word that rolls back into time
I swallowed the warmth that rose
to set a fire in my soul
I see you in dreams everyday
wish I never woke up to feel the real
closing my eyes I freeze the timeline
walking back to make those thorns blunt
A caress to skip a heartbeat
crumbling in the wave of thoughts
I fear to embrace the blossoms of spring
knocking on my frozen door this..
snow weakening itself to the warmth of love
I close my eyes in fear to see the blossoms
moving my feet for a small step outside
wishing the doors shuts the past behind
Tickles of the petals and leaves made me smile
years of coldness washed away to bliss,,

Judgements!

2011-06-21T11:16:00.016-05:00

I am proud of being a Woman.I enjoy and detest womanhood at the same time.I am not a Feminist,But once upon a time I believed I was.That was the time I belived most of the men are just hypocrites.In course of my maturity growth,I happened to find some important 'men' in my life which made me realise that it is absurd to categorize people good or bad based on their gender,When woman talk about their rights,their representation,their security,their growth,the message spread around is that woman are some sort of inferior beings fighting for their representation.But I totally cannot agree to this mad rush as I believe women who fights for equality with men lacks ambition.
I recently came across an interview with Shiney Ahuja's wife.I am not anyone to judge whether he was guilty or not.But like the mass public to an extend I too belived he might have been guilty.But now I feel that like many cases,the law might have been biased.Just because a girl claims,should we all belive he is Guilty?I believe that its high time we stop sympathizing and be prudent in judging a person or situation.Even in personal and professional circle,I have come across many who tries to threaten to defame fellow men just to get things done..
Well,on the other side we see those men who are like mad animals destroying innocent lives at their own convenience.Its disheartening to read about Child molestation and those cruel rapes.I wonder why I never hear women doing such crimes.Is it the biology?
Recently I came across an article where a man was caught 'raping' a dead woman?What is that we lack in our moral behaviour that people are making themselves Psychos?
May be it is this public image of man which is giving the Women an upperhand in many cases and situations.
But it is a fact that society is a mixture of sesible and few senseless people.Let be rational and think about the social happenings with an open mind.Let us be Prudent in any judgement we make.May be the judiciary can fail based on evidences,But not our conscience :)

Hum-Tum

2011-03-01T01:33:00.001-06:00

Girls and Mood Swings!Quiet a debatable topic.Whenever I pick up a fight with my BF or be emotional,He asks me "Are you PMSing?".Well most of the times thats the truth.Sometimes we girls just cry for no reason,feels annoyed for no reason and even feels to be loved and cared for no reason.I might be pretty weak in biological reasoning to establish the correlation.But me and most of my girlfriends just blame it on 'Hormones'.
Its indeed a saviour to many of the silly things we do.I sometimes wonder if the guys ever blame their anger on their Hormones?Nope it is just about being a Male.They can afford to be the 'evil' self anytime,and is actually being respected by all.Well I might be sounding a bit Feminist by saying this.But the truth is Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus!
Being a typical cancerian,I hate to admit that I kinda keep a track on all dates."Anniversaries,Birthdays,first day of this and that,6 month anniversary-10 month anniversary what not.Unfortunately my boyfriend has a very poor memory and sometimes even forgets his own birthday!Initialy I thought I would keep bugging him and make him remember all those silly dates.For this I tried an emotional blackmailing tactics and the poor thing decided to mug up the long list of dates.But alas ,the end result was quiet funny.Those days when he calls me and I am in cranky Mood,He asks "Shit!Is it our anniversary today? "(even if its just one month after our real one ).So I gave up the task and decided on setting up a reminder system so that he is reminded of all the dates in advance so that neither I feel sad that he forgot the day and I might even get a gift ..:P
I am sure most of the girls could relate to this,But then I feel this difference is the true essence in the relationship.We compliment each other.I like being the opposites,there is always a sense of attraction to each other..Its indeed an excellent modeling God has made.Emotional differences between males and females.The irony is that though every single one of us is different from each other,emotionaly its very easy to classify based on gender!

A Doll

2011-02-26T06:59:00.000-06:00

I chased you all my life
you kept running away
I wonder if you are my own shadow?
faster I run,faster you get away from me
do you know my little dream I hid under my pillow?
clutching the invisible teddy I faced all the demons
Still you came to me to set my dreams on fire
I wonder why I am punished throught my dream?
Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?
I wonder why I carry all the sins I never did
I wish just for a day of a fairy tale dream
that will wash away those dark shadows
I will cry aloud to announce my freedom
Will my dream ever come true?

Home Maker!

2011-02-25T12:56:00.002-06:00

Recently I moved to a new place as a paying guest with a 5 member family.A father,Mother,a 6 year old,a 3 year old and a one year old and a maid.I have been amazed at times how the mother of the three children looks after the whole family in-spite of working as a full time executive.I have never seen her sit idle.She gets up (which I assume as I am not awake so early in the morning) at 5 and prepares breakfast and lunch for her husband.When I wake up,I see her cleaning the kitchen and sipping a tea and ready for the next task.Maid is still peacefully sleeping as her work time starts only after the Mother leaves for office.The lady now wakes up her elder son,which again is a difficult task and make him ready for the school.At times I see all three kids awake at the same time and the house is is echoing in the cranky morning songs.When one needs milk,other demands chocolate and it truly amazing to watch the lady deal with all the three kids and satisfy their needs.After sending the elder one to school ,she drops the 3 year old to play school on her way to work.
I see her come back from work really tired and before even she could even sit in a sofa,the complaints and demands starts.She then moves to kitchen to prepare dinner for the whole family and cleans the whole chaotic apartment.Then her next role as a tutor starts.Its time for looking after the homeworks of the kids.She now turns into a teacher.Its indeed a patience tester,to teach a kid when the other two are playing in the same room.After the hard fight,she waits for husband to return and gives him dinner and put the children to sleep with their bed time stories.The clock now ticks 11..I am sure she gets up in between the sleep everytime when they cough or cry in their sleep.Somedays I wonder if she ever gets to sleep when the kids are sick.
That ends her day.The so called father of the three children has just one role..A working Dad.
I am amazed that most of the ladies like her are taking so many roles in life.I really admire her.I feel so proud of the working mothers.I now wonder how frustrated my mother must have felt when I used to demand stuff when she gets back from work.
Its a special gift for females.They are indeed the best managers in the world.The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world indeed.I salute all those ladies out there .. :)

Bricks on my wall!

2011-02-06T04:50:00.000-06:00

Just realised its been a while I scribbled in my space.Feels like I have so much to write,but some unknown element of deceit is crippling my words.May be what I am gonna scribble down is disoriented,but perfectly makes sense if you can read with a skewed outlook :)
Random Thought#1
Recently somebody told me that the reason for all my worries are because of my desires.Quiet possible!It is impossible for me to detach the 'Desires' from me as it has become an essential stimulus for moving ahead in life.Desires can be compromised to an extend to match our conveniences. Ironically I have noticed that most of my desires were either compromised or scraped off for the conveniences of others than for my own convenience.
Some say you have to turn into spirituality to get rid of your desires.But is it Human to have simple desires?
Random thought #2
Money is factor which we assume can over ride emotions, obstacles and even our fate.But do we get time to step back and think about those minds we are hurting on our way.The best excuse we can say is ‘It was unintentional’. Coming to think about it every one is selfish in our own way. Sometimes I wonder if there is someone who can love us unconditionally?
Random Thought # 3
Most of us realize at some point or the other that life is indeed unpredictable. Though we have ambitions, aspirations and well defined plans about future, we fail to realize at times that everything we have planned is indeed out of our control. In the resonance there might be a frequency that is gonna tear apart everything you have planned.
Random Thought # 4
I thought time is a good healer.Now that I am in a comfort zone with a bunch of new relationships,more people to love me,I realised I miss my Amma more and more.Now I realise I never made her special and told her how much I really loved her.For those who are blessed with their parents,Please take a moment to realise how blessed you are and make them feel special at times.. :)

But it Rained....

2010-12-16T07:09:00.002-06:00

It just rained outside.I never used to fanatsize rain earlier,Infact I always wonder how could some people could write and talk so much about rain.I always tagged rain with an inconvenience factor.Today I ran outside my room to watch room.Strange how one year in a desert made me love such a beautiful natural phenomenon which I always ignored in my life.This is true for almost everything in our life.We take most of the things we have for granted.We might take time to appreciate stuff others have,but we fail to recognize and appreciate stuff we have with ourselves.Most if us take our parents for granted.We keep demanding for stuff or rather at some point in your life you must have thought wish they were never there to control you. The previous statement has a variant assertiveness at different stages.So it might be a little difficult to initially accept this very statement.But when they cease to exist we feel totaly handicapped even if we are self sufficient.At some point or the other, their existence cannot be replaced by anybody else atleast in our Indian way of living.
Likewise in our mad rush for achieving all that we dreamt,we fail to take a moment to appreciate those people around us who is actually the foundation for all our growth,mebbe its your partner,mebbe its ur guide,mebbe its parents,I guess atleast once should we take a little time to appreciate those wonderful bricks holding us together..

A thought!

2010-12-04T02:17:00.001-06:00

Quarter Crisis as they say is truly an emotional transition .Everybody is so busy stepping into relationships,new career path,educational milestones, that they themselves never get a moment to sink in and realise where exactly they are and what exactly they are doing.This is the point of life where we just let go of those really strong passions we had few years ago and just strive to survive the peer pressure..
Many actually are too busy in this peer flow that we don't know ourselves if we are mature enough to handle that particular position in our career or even in family life.Most of us are so greedy to step up in the career ladder or for a pay hike that we cant handle a small step down or failure.Unlike older times every single individual we meet are so ambitious and well qualified that there is a lot of pressure and competition everywhere.But what our generation lacks is that maturity to handle a slight setback.
Another reason for lack of tolerance or adjustment is that we have lot of options.May of us are confident enough if not this job we can find something better.This is in a way applicable in personal life too.Many fail to do small adjustments and sacrifices in married life with this same attitude in our mind.Every single thing can be replaced in this era,so the tolerance limit is coming down too.This generation might be an intelligent workaholic ambitious and a diplomatic generation.But what we need to think is if we are a matured generation have principles and ideologies?

Random Ramblings

2010-10-25T02:12:00.001-05:00

Relationships are indeed complex to be deciphered and predicted.Some relationships are by choice,some are by default,some are unexpected and few are forced on you.Most of us feel that we are that essential part for somonelse or mebbe for a something and the world comes to a complete standstill if we fail to exist.But irony is that we ourselves know that this is not the truth. we slog day and night for our work,making ourselves belive we are indispensible for the project team or for your Boss,But the truth again is nothing is gonna be stagnant.Everybody moves on.
I was feeling terrible for no reason after my best friend got married.I myself couldnt convince myself that I should be happy rather than being possessive about my friend.But then time is a good healer.I myself is not sure whether I would miss her so much once I settle down in my life.Priorities change,friends who you think can inseparable starts drifting away from you or you drift away from them in this flow.But I am sure there will be some point in our lives (mebbe few years down the line)we might get back to this same stage.So the gist of this random rambling is that we all move on,people come into your life and go away from you,but ur existence should eb guarded by your own will to go ahead and complete this so called cycle!

Change of Seasons

2010-04-06T11:05:00.000-05:00

The love in the lyrics haunting my smile
I skipped a heart beat when I hugged you
all the pain and grief that stuffed my past
washed away in that tear of joy;
I smelt the blossoming seasons in your breath
moving in the ocean of endless hopes and dreams
closing my eyes to grab the beauty of your presence
my soul bonding its alter presence across the miles
Here we stand together to be more closer than ever
fathoming our love for a more beautiful tomorrow..

Dew Drop!

2010-02-18T15:26:00.001-06:00

Dewdrops failed to whisper to me
Holding you in the warmth of my palm
arid past stay untouched in my eyes
My fingers shivered in holding you tight
swallowing the pain,I smiled at you;
Failing to see the gleam in your eyes
I recalled those dark shadows to guide me back
retracing my path in my teardrops
subliming the heartbeats in the rhytmn
I droped you to a blossoming bud
away from the deadly teary fog
just to see you smile and shine

Mindless Mosaics

2010-01-18T16:37:00.000-06:00

Best time to give a little thought to ‘About me; is when we travel, I just love the time when I get to myself on my way to work. I tune into my favorite FM Channel and listen to their classic breakfast show. Then comes the fun part, People generally have a notion such a ‘self’ space is very dangerous. But I believe it’s nice to have a thought about your past and you’re present. I don’t want to call it’s a retrospection as that term has a lot of guilt associated with it. Apart from regrets, there are many small things which you yourself ignored which can make you proud and put a smile upon your face.
Last day I happened to see the latest building wonder.’ The Burj Kahalifa’.Buildings these days symbolizes the attitude of people. Everybody wants to rise so high, but their mind set is so narrow, The narrow pencil like structure might be architecture marvel, But to me it just symbolized a structure trying to prove ‘You can’t beat me’.
I got to learn some interesting facts about the mallus out here. They starve; they save every single ‘dirham’ and wire it back home. It’s interesting to note that most people here have a ‘sharing accommodation’. Its if a flat/house has three bedrooms and a drawing room, there will be 4 families staying in that house with a common kitchen and a bathroom. I was shocked to see even an average income guy would prefer living this way with his family coz that is the best way to save money. At the end of the day, everybody wants to have a huge bank balance back home. I sometimes wonder how long they can keep doing this. Is our ultimate motto in life is have a huge savings when we retire or to have a satisfactory life till we retire? My house owner once told me(who is earning a huge amount every month making 3 other families stay at his house), I live like a laborer here and I live like a king in my house back home. His ‘King’ role comes once in a year, But is it worth all the pain and compromises to have a royal stay once in a year. Well each one of us has a different outlook towards life. We have a different mission and vision, but I guess I would like to live life to the fullest today like I will die tomorrow.

A word!

2009-12-21T11:35:00.002-06:00

Holding your hands and closing my eyes
I could see all those buds waiting to blossom
the smell of the new season and air of warmth
Hurting my hands I felt your fingers moving away
I tried to wake up from the dream to stop you
You walked away faster than my heart beats
Hurting my eyes,I woke up to stop you
I see the remains of the fall.
My steps retracing those sand writings
I smiled to myself trying to wash it away with my tears

Where the dreams come true?

2009-12-06T09:58:00.004-06:00

Life is full of surprises!You enjoy certain surprises and certain you fail to be 'Surprised'.Sitting in the flight to Abudhabi,I failed to be 'Surprised'.I just wanted to see where this 'Life flight' would take me.I smiled at myself for those notions I had about myself,my career and my so called surprise filled 'Life'.I looked around to find many faces with a 'hope' or rather I could see they were all carrying a dream.A dream of survival.I didnt have any dream or a hope.I was still running away from a lot of things.I wanted to stop and look at myself and answer those questions inside me.But all that came out of me was a 'Sigh'.A sigh to look ahead and wait for more surprises,beat the recession,learn to be a good fighter.I was shocked at the way people at the immigration treat the females who fly to Middle east.I was asked a hell lot of questions and had to show all my degree certificates at the Calicut Airport.The lady at the immigration sounded as if I am some maid trying to migrate there.I was really upset the way females were treated even if they have proper documents especially by a lady officer.I just couldnt stop myself frm telling her 'Please do not see everybody with the same eyes'.I dont understand the reason why the asked me a hell lot of silly questions when my employment visa had a 'Civil Engineer' clearly stated on it.
Gulf!Where the dreams come true...
Today I see how certain dreams come true.Here in this part of the world everybody has a story to tell.Why they are here!There is only one thing common to all those people who come here.Some day or the other they all want to go back home..
Its just been a few weeks here.But I realized I am blessed to be sitting in a bed under a roof with a laptop in front of me.I have no idea if my writing would help those people to understand the plight of thousands of people in this part of the world who work day and night for a living.Buses with these laborers with their heads down is a common sight here.I wonder what gives them the strength to survive in this scorching heat and those pathetic labor camps?I wonder if their dear ones back home can ever give them the true appreciation..
To be Continued

Once upon a time...

2009-11-04T02:48:00.003-06:00

There were a lot of things which were a part of us and our routine,but cease to even flash in our minds.Last day I saw couple of school kids waiting for their school van.Certain things which were so much part of my childhood just flashed through my mind.I am not sure if everybody can relate to this,But I would like to scribble a few fond memories I had in my school life
1.Exam time :We used to have half day exams thrice a year.I loved exam time as I could be back home for lunch and watch all the TV Programs which I used to miss otherwise.During exams we never carry our backpacks,it was always those big 'textile plastic covers' to carry the pencil box and the writing pad.I used to keep the good ones under the bed exclusively for exam time.We used to compare the covers in class and always wanted our cover to look the best :).I still remember the time I got the 'paper bag' for the first time.I saved it for the annual exam and made sure it was safe and away from the hands of my mother.
2.Name slip.I was crazy about nameslips.Before the school starts it was a custom that me and my amma sit together and cover all the notebooks and textbooks with the plastic coated brown covers.I used to adore the special white colored ones my classmates used to bring which was available only abroad.Nameslip was a status symbol too.I never used to stick those nameslips you get for free from shops,But always wanted the glitter cartoon ones.I still remember me telling someone that my biggest wish in my life is to get 1000 nameslips from God.
3.Lunch time.I was/still a slow eater.There were only a few dayscholars in our class.But we all used to sit together and discuss everything for lunch.We always waited to see what was inside our friend's lunch box.Then comes the sharing part.I miss those lunch sessions when we could take anything from anybody's lunchbox which tastes 1000 times better than what was in our lunch box.

Lot more to write,But I guess space is not enough.In a nutshell I miss my school days.Innocent days,innocent dreams and innocent minds.Wish I never grew up :)

Treasure Hunt

2009-10-08T04:38:00.002-05:00

I was wondering what would make me get an admission in Wharton school even if I have a full GMAT score?To make it more simple how do I stand out from others?This question has been haunting me for the past couple of months.I have been thinking what would make me different?How will I leave a mark on this globe?.How can I make my life meaningful?Most of the people I come across lead a mechanical life.They have temporary goals and most have them try to make a difference to their dear ones.Many of us are really not bothered.We feel a common person like us can never stand out in this crowd.But I guess its worth thinking once in a while 'What makes me different'?Being a jack of all trades never takes you anywhere,You have to be a master,A master of your soul and also that special 'thing' which makes you glitter much more than those zillion stars around us.I wonder when would other stars smile at me?I am still wondering what is that unique gift God has hidden in me.Discovering that would be the greatest treasure hunt for each one of us :).Its never late.Let us all think at least for a second.What is that hidden treasure which would help us leave a mark ?Lets make a difference to someone if not everyone. :)

Echoes!

2009-10-01T01:09:00.003-05:00

Those shadows surrounded me
I tried to wake up my dream
my crippled eyes kept me in darkness
I cried aloud to wake you up
I heard your footsteps walking away
My words cease to make you smile
tears could wash away my mistakes
Rhythm hugging my passion
Can you stop to listen to my words?
Embrace it when you miss your steps
turn around to see me waiting;
Colors fade to bring the new sky
I see you in those buds to blossom
Holding back everything I owe you
I express in my silence and my blind dreams

Just for me!

2009-10-01T00:07:00.002-05:00

PS:Not edited!

A true victim of recession.Sigh!I hate to admit that.But I still wonder why ME?I am sick of all the motivating and optimistic and spiritual lectures I get to hear everyday.But I frankly regret to have done so well in my studies since school.Inspite of reading biographies of people who did a lot of hardwork to make it big,I really dont know why I still have a lot of expectations about my career.I find it hard to compromise.I know this is a bad time to be choosy,But today I feel even if I give away my dreams and ambitions,its hard for me to find a job.
I had a terrible experience when I decided to try my hand in teaching.I thought it would be a good idea to go teach in an Engineering college rather than sitting at home and wait for the 'VISA' which seems to be a illusion! On my first day to college,I was shocked to see the number of private engineering college buses in the stand.Students dressed in uniforms,It was hard for me to comprehend the fact that they were engineering students.Engineering has just become an extension of 12 std.The college was no different from a school.I felt bad about myself coming back to such an environment.But I used to love teaching and I felt it was a good service.But unfortunately the class turned out to be another shock.It was hard to believe they cleared the entrance examination because most of them didnt know even the basic geometry.But the worst part was the attitude of the students.Students behaved to me as if I am some random girl they met in some park .Forget about showing a little respect,they were throwing offensive words on me.My pride just couldn't let me continue there.I found it funny when they asked me'Teacher,Why did you come to teach in a college like this even after doing your MS from US,Didnt you get any other job'.I was heartbroken.I realized how much ever we try for certain things,most of the things are out of our control.
I wish I had lesser pride,lesser expectations out of life.But sometime I think ;Have I not sacrificed enough to have to have little happiness or rather not to be in an 'unhappy' state?

Discovery of India-Glimpses

2009-08-27T01:01:00.003-05:00

Discovery of India-Part 1

2009-08-26T00:13:00.003-05:00

Not that I am a travel freak. Traveling and sightseeing were never in my list of hobbies.But I always knew I wanted to see and feel ‘Life patterns’.See as many people I can and feel how is to be a different soul groomed and bred in a different corner of the world.When I travel it’s not the scenic beauty that captures my attention,its always the people.I remember my Amma telling others that how her daughter can never enjoy the nature or rather love the nature. :)

One day I was showing an American friend of mine a few pictures of my visits in US.I had a little pride in my words as I was lucky enough to visit a lot of famous tourist destinations in US.My snaps also had this pic of me in front of the statue of liberty.I was telling her how happy I was to be near one of the wonders of the world.But her next question shut my mouth completely.She asked me for the picture at Taj Mahal.That question made me think.Rather than exploring foreign land,Should I not see my Mother India and her wonderful diversity?

For me North Indians and North India was all to do with rich sarees, ornaments and rich food. Thanks to Ekta Kapoor serials.I was so excited when two of my friends agreed to accompany me toexplore those places I marked on the Map for my History and Geography classes.

Thanks to Bollywood,for some reason I was feeling so filmy sitting in the Taxi on our way to my friend’s place from Delhi Airport.I wanted to sing aloud ‘Masarkali Masarkali’.But thought it would be a little too much drama and excitement.But I felt kinda patriotic for some reason.Must be the fact that I was finally at the Capital of the country.The fun part was that right from the airport everybody expects you to be fluent in your National tongue.To brush our hindi skills me and Anna (My friend) started counting ‘ek do teen..’ after 29there was a gradual decline in the pace of our recitation. I knew the driver was amused.Our Delhi friend (DKP) tried her level best to shut our mouths to save herself from the embarrassment. Two years has changed her Hindi.I still remember teasing her in College about her handicapped Hindi.Sigh!We quickly brushed p our gender issues and article and other grammatical issues and finally settled for a ‘hum hein haim’ end for all the sentences.

The first thing I learnt after stepping outside Kerala was to bargain for everything.It was disheartening to see the autorickshaw drivers looting the public.Thanks to those few days in Chennai before our delhi trip.:)Our first mission was to to explore the shopping streets of Delhi.Yes I know what you must be thinking.Girls and shopping are inseperable. But behind my shopping mission I also had to do justice to my appetite craving for those typical northie specialities.The scary jaundice experiences of both of my friends couldn’t stop me from those bhaji and puri walas.It was a bliss!I felt excited. At the same time I couldn’t ignore a lot of things in those streets.Small kids hardly 10 year old as hawkers in streets selling stuff and begging the tourists.A small change in our fate,We might have been one of them.Even if they have dreams,only miracles might help them conquer what we are all blessed with.It was a thrilling experience to bargain.We struggled in our crippled hindi for even 2 digit bargaining, but then we learnt a lot of tricks which made us save a few hundreds J.Thanks to our frequent’Kam karona bhayya’ and those dramatic ‘walk outs’.It was quiet adventurous!!! ;).

Continued…

Tone!

2009-08-13T23:06:00.003-05:00

I logged into write about my North India trip.My Discovery of India,Dicovery of Faith,culture and Life.But somehow I feel I just couldnt bring that broad mindness in my life even after seeing life on a bigger frame.I saw people living in streets,kids doing hard labour to feed themselves once a day.I felt I was in heaven.I have a place to live,clthes to wear and a lot of people to count on.I promised myself not to complain about what I dont have and be thankful to what I have.But I realise its really hard.Its really difficult for a normal person to stop thinking about what we deprive and be thankful.I came back thinking I am a changed person.But I am not.I still cant stop worrying about a lot of things.Uncertainity about my job,my career.I feel I wasted almost a year looking for a job.Still I dont have a solid offer.I wanted my life to be menaingful,make atleast a small change in this big world.But I feel it can be done only once we stabilize ourselves.Making your life solid.People might intepret it as self love.But everybody is not Mother Teresa.For common people like us,its our worries and ambitions that matter to us the most,to ccome out that narrow mindness it takes a lot of courage and faith in ourselves.I wish it was easy for me to realise I am blessed!

Take the Time...

2009-07-08T00:04:00.003-05:00

My lyrics cried louder
the echoes made my heart weaker
I stood with your shadow in that dark road
you failed to hold my hands to that star
I could see it shine on my tear drop
Shine on my fate!
My next step will take away your shine.
Could you walk over to me for a day?
I promise to seal you in my breath cloud.
Wish you could replace the shadow
I need you,a real you..
Never will you dry in my arms
The rhythm of my faith will keep you alive
I wish for you today,my lips fails to call out your name.

Weekend Tidbits

2009-07-05T00:33:00.003-05:00

Its been some months,I am not bored yet.I am busy with something or the other.Have a lot to write,but somehow feel its not the time to vent it out.Be it be about my job,my future plans,family politics everybody has something or the other to ask me.That is something unique about our place.People can always keep you busy with their questions.
But its fun to observe people,see the variety in them.Studying different characters and the way they analyse stuff itself is pretty interesting.People find it hard to accept anything straight.They always try to find the other side.People don't even let others die in peace.Even for normal death,they try to find something abnormal.Human psychology is lot related to their community and also family background.
Recently a relative of mine asked me about my boyfriend.I told her,Unfortunately I dont have one.But she couldn't belive,she was trying to convince me that I do have one and out of fear I am not admitting.It was funny that for most of people here,if you have been aborad you should have someone..:P
So for all those who are planning to be here for vacations,make sure you are herfe with some spicy stories for some people eagerly waiting for u ;)
Matrimonial hunt is on full swing.Thanks to the astrologer who claims I will marry only after 2 years and that too to someone I will find myself.I couldnt stop laughing when he told me that.I felt bad for my family who thought ,they will somehow get me engaged before I go back..
I couldnt stop myself from asking the details of the guy,he kinda sensed that I was mocking the so called science,But then I would rather want to know thw depth of the river before I would start swimming..I wonder why people dont drag these guys to family courts when they file divorce..
I prefer to get a declaration from them before they announce my horoscope match with some 10 stars with someone else's...But for them,there is one major clause..Its all your fate!!!

Dew..

2009-06-16T06:32:00.002-05:00

Those whispers failed to enlighten me

my fear echoed in your way

I moved my hands to reach your soul

the frozen memories entangled my hands

My eyes searched for those moments in your eyes.

Those teardrops might kill your smile

I smiled to see those drops roll back

A lie to the world,a truth to my life.

A rain Drop!

2009-05-21T04:18:00.005-05:00

The media has been after the Suicidal death of a Dental Student for the past 1 week.With all the student political groups trying hard to butcher the college campus and breaking every window possible of the faculty and management,I really doubt if those fellows even bothered enquiring what lead to that girl's death.The public and the political groups are busy criticizing the teachers and the management.
As per the media she commited suicide because she was asked to repeat a lab experiment by a cruel(again as per the media) professor.I agree that it is a bit disheartening for any student to repeat or fail in an academic test.But I really dont want to blame the teacher here.Even if she was a bit hard on her or must have raised her voice against this girl,Do you think its a strong reason for somebody to suicide??
Atleast in our country we have been trianed in schools and collges to respect our teachers,obey them and to an extend accept their punishments.Even at homes our parents raise their voice if they think we are not in the right path.But not everyday do we think about ending our lives.
I strongly feel that the younger generation is becoming very sensitive.They cant even accept slightest hardships in life.The moment they feel that the life is not moving as desired,they justt want to escape forver.There is no question of fighting against it or even about having a bit of perseverence.For this generation escapism is the only solution.
I strongly feel that, before we blame the faculy for that girl's death,we should think again if a punishment is a crime in our education system.All of us, at some point in our life has been punished by our teachers.Personaly I still respect and value those teachers who punished me in school.This girl's suicide might be an isolated case.Her loss is a torture for her dear ones.But the next generation should learn not to blame the system,but to ask themselves if they have the will power to move on.I feel children should be trained at both home and school to face certain hiccups in life.many of us fail to acknowledge that life is a rollercoaster ride.We are failing to explore that inner strength in us and to accept that life is not a fairy tale with a 'happily ever after'.

Coming Back to 'LIFE'..

2009-05-12T21:56:00.009-05:00

I was excited about coming back,But now I am missing many things I failed to appreciate there.Never knew that I would terribly miss some people I met two years ago.Mebbe its a little hard to stay away from people who you met late in your life.Its been just a day here.But already I am being piled with questions like 'when will you go back?' "what are your future plans?'..Reminds me of the old malayalam movie 'Varavelpu' :P
As I approached the asian subcontinent I could feel the difference.The courtesy,the manners,cleanliness everything declined.But for a person who grew up here,it might not be a big deal.But I realised there are a lot of things we should adopt from the western culture not blindly their fashion.It was hilarious when I saw how our people were pushing and pulling to get into the gate at the airport, like they do in the buses here.Forget abt apologizing for hurting you,I even heard people swearing at each other as if the seats might be filled if they dont get inside the flight at the earliest :)
During my transit at Kuwait airport ,we had a proper Swine flu screening with medical attendants testing temperatures of every passenger.But the irony was at the TVM airport when I saw this huge crowd before the immigration counter.There was this one doc and around 100 passengers crowded around him.He was distributing a paper which was a questionnaire which apparently would help them to understand if we have swine flu.In my opinionIt was the lamest way of screening .All that we need to do was just sign a declaration that we dont have fever,cough or cold.When he saw that I was coming from US,he asked me Bhadra,Do you have cough or cold?Duh!!I would do anything anything to get away from that crowd coz if I had to stay there in the mess for a few more minutes I would definitely have some weird flu soon.
Had a lot to write,But I think I should wrap up..Jet lagged!!Yaaawn!

Country Roads..Take me Home!

2009-04-27T11:32:00.006-05:00

There are times when you have a lot to talk about,discuss and analyze,But you prefer to be taciturn.I hardly have two weeks in this country.There is something that still makes me feel that I couldn't complete my mission here.Two years here made me realise some wonderful truths about myself.Except for a little change in my outlook,nothing really changed me.My principles,my ideologies are still the same and I am still holding on to them.Surprisingly one thing that changed was my faith; I realised that the compromises I made in my life, is not a necessity to live in this world :).It was just a moral of age old bed time story.

I was totally ignorant about H1 Bs and job prospects in US.Honestly I never had an 'American dream'.All that I wanted then was some exposure,a good education and an escape from a few haunting memories.I was in a cocoon 20 years of my life.Lived in the same place,went to the same school,did my undergrad at the same place.My whole life was confined in that small university town.When I got an admit at NIT Calicut,I just felt that I was promoted to next class after 12!Nothing changed except uncle and aunties became sirs and madams.I still got to stay at home and walk to the door steps of a reputed college.

But when I packed my bags to fly here,I wanted to see a world,see myself grow into a butterfly that can adapt to any environment anywhere in the world.Today I feel ,I am what I wanted to be.A butterfly!But there is this one wing of mine that fails to help me fly back to my home, the greed for more independence and more space.

A job,a visa and a few other strings have crippled my wings.But the truth is that it is just a virtual handicap.

I always used to have an option open in my life.Never had to sit idle and wait or struggle to explore options.Today I realise my priorities are jumbled.I could have happily settled for a job after graduation if not for the recession.Five months of rigorous job hunt here made me realise that I failed to see my default option.To go back to my home country!

But there is something which forbids me from going back to the cocoon again.It might be the safest place on earth.But my wings wont fit me back there and it is always difficult to seal back the broken cocoon.

Today I stand with two good degrees in my hand.Dont know what is in store for me back in India.I am breaking those strings holding me back here.My broken wing will get stronger once I start flying.When we feel the whole world is conspiring to take away all your options,there might be one default option we fail to see.It might be the best and beautiful option,But never compromise your heart to settle for something you really dont want to do even if every single bird chirps the song glorifying it on your ears.

I am excited about getting back to those auto rickshaws.I want to breathe the air without showing my visa status and passport.The dirt free life in here might instill more dirt in my head.All that I want now is to be in the dirt that belongs to me..:)

Luck Hunt

2009-04-17T22:39:00.001-05:00

Sometimes we see a pattern in our life.The unpredictable life becomes predictable at times.Like those researchers trying to predict the patterns of stock market,disappointed hearts tend to research on the patterns of events in their life.The words 'Faith' and 'Fate' always confuse me.I was brought up saying fate can be controlled by having a little Faith in almighty.Though I pray everyday,visit temples whenever I get a chance,I sometimes fail to have a little faith.I try hard to convince my heart to embrace the faith.But my head being more rational tends to give me a very pessimistic leap into the life ahead.
I am lucky to have a lot of people who love me so dearly.People who pray for me more than they pray for members in their family.I try to have a faith in their wishes,I can smile anytime of the day or rather proud about having so many people who love me so dearly,But still I always have a fear.I fear about this word which haunts me regularly.'Luck'.I see the resonance in the pattern,rather in every body's pattern,some are lucky all the time,some are lucky sometimes and some are never lucky.
Being at the right place at the right time is not something we can work on.Astrologer consultations,wearing your lucky stones,the expensive poojas,tarot cards help them to have a faith,but again does it really help them always?
Hardworking people,brilliant people might not be able to make it to places some ordinary people get it by chance.Its not about me,but about some minority in this world,who deserves much more than what they are now.Prayers,wishes,hard work,passion, might not help them.All that they need is a little 'Luck'.
If there is a predestined path for all of us,why is this path so partial?.Why isn't it balanced with ups and downs.Do anyone of us care to be one among those unfortunate souls who slips down in every step they take, in spite of having a zillion hands to help them stand on their foot again.Do we ever think about their fear in taking a new step knowing they would fall down the next minute?We can just give them a hand,But not a pinch of 'Luck' destined in our share.

My Immortal

2009-03-25T14:47:00.002-05:00

Your smile is our strength

And your strength is our smile

Before the Rains.

2009-03-09T19:58:00.005-05:00

Dancing in the rain that swept the dirt away

you made my foot drown in your tears.

You made me walk away to keep it dry

But I see them crumbling up in the heat this side.

I am smiling seeing you swept away,

gushing fears made me freeze in the heat

sweat and snow making my palette look dirty

I failed to see those colors you left for me.

But I do see them far away,amongst those stars

which failed to shine for me yesterday.

I do look for you everyday from my end of the zenith,

I see you there when I close my eyes.

Another Brick in the wall

2009-02-26T12:38:00.008-06:00

Epilogue:

Unedited piece of crap and random thoughts.

Some of us believe that our life is 'Pre Destined'.There is only a little we can do about it follows as it follows a pre determined path by some unknown entity.If so,why not stop walking and wait for the same entity to carry us to our destination?But irony is that these core believers in destiny, are the ones who work hard on changing their destiny.My job hunt has been in an exciting track so far.It taught and also made me realise certain interesting truths about life.Most of us are always running behind something or the other.Be it be love, job, promotion,fame.When we succeed we never stop running,we chase for the next milestone.

The race continues as we see only milestones ahead of us.The power and strength of the thought 'I am in control of my destiny' makes the pace more vicious and dynamic.

But for those who stumble,they see nothing ahead of them,but the assurance that their fall was predetermined.They struggle hard and try to give up.But the very next moment,they feel a strength which helps them run this mad race again.Like the tortoise race,they succeed and then thank the 'destiny' for the strength.

Now that I am trying to withdraw myself from the mad race with an excuse that I see myself somewhere else ,I decided to give a little thought on what I really wanted in my life.The very first thing that came to my mind is to see my name in Wikipedia! :P

Like the world leaders,I feel I should make a difference in my short life,I should leave behind something that would make people remember me forever.This is the part where we realise how selfish we are.Everybody wants to be famous and wants to make a difference for their own self interest.I am not in a research profession where I can hope to invent/discover something.So what should I do about it?Dont we all make a difference in this world?Some of us are lucky enough to be in the wiki,some in the google search engine and some in the hearts of people.

For most of us all that matters is to have our names in the hearts of our dear ones rather than being in wiki.

I decided to find a wacky solution or rather conclusion to the silly philosophy of 'wikiomania!

Do we ever wonder about those bricks inside the well plastered walls in our rooms?.All that we see are those bright bulbs and chandlers.A single brick removed from the wall might collapse the structure,but still we never really care for those bricks nor we ever wondered what made those walls which have been securing our existence.There are so may unexposed bricks.They all have an equal contribution in building our place.But all that we care is that bulb which can blow out anytime,which would put us in a temporary darkness.We do replace the bulb and appreciate the light.But then again who comes in wiki..The Bulb or the Brick?

Love Actually!

2009-02-14T17:22:00.004-06:00

Oh no!Another mourning day for some unfortunate souls.Facebook status messages are quite rhythmic.Everybody has a 'Valentine' wish decorating the top tab of their profile.But this 'Happy' day is the longest for some people who claim to be the happiest in the world for 'No strings attached'.Interestingly they are the ones who are nosy about the developments around them.Their 'dont care' attitude and sarcastic comments on such celebrations emphasises the fact that they are 'missing' some unknown fun.For those who have the 'Fun' at their own expense silently cribs about the freedom they are missing.Grass is always greener on the other side.Its just an other day for most of us.But the best part of this day is the ironic conflict within us which forces the so called 'Single' people think more and more about this day and try their best to make it an ordinary day!

For a moment I thought it was my Birthday!I have been receiving calls/emails from all my 'single' friends.Its not to wish me but just to tell me.'Valentines Day..Big deal!Who cares..'But then the conversations always ends with a Happy Valentines day and a Sigh!!

I am not a 'don't care' type,I miss those days in college when I used to send prank love letters/chillies to my friends.Those evenings with my 'single' friends cribbing rather bitching about those fortunate souls who are busy taking care of those bouquets and getting ready for the evening fun..

Today I am still the same,the only difference is that I use a public forum to discuss such 'isms and ologies'

Oops Almost forgot to wish you guys!

Happy Valentines Day !!!

Regards

Dr Love

PS:For those who havent read this article,Please have a look.A very disturbing 'Love' byproduct

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece

Systematic Chaos

2009-02-03T21:27:00.002-06:00

Remember those echoes?

Did you try to sing it aloud

I hear it rhyme with the beats

Air,its stuffed with your words

Ride the dreams to the zenith

I can close my eyes to see you leave

Blindness show me the beauty of my present

my cold hands brush those warm visions

I fail again to remain blind

the colors clutch open my eyes

to see another new shadow to trace

with a bleeding feet,I glide

Is there anybody out there?

2009-01-29T23:44:00.005-06:00

Paranormal stories and research always interest me.'Ghost Hunters' used to be one of my favourite shows.I really enjoyed collecting info about local and global paranormal stories and scaring my friends.But some how today I felt like reading more about it and wants to hear what everybody thinks about the existence of 'Ghosts'.I haven't had any personal experiences so far.But somehow feel that there should be 5 th Dimension.

There was this 'Garden Ghost aunty' in our campus.One of our colony resident burnt herself at her house.Nobody still knows why she did that.This aunty had a huge and beautiful garden at her house.After her death her neighbours decided to split the plants among themselves.Within a week,there was this 'rumour' that whoever tried to water those plants felt somebody holding the 'Hose'..I still remember me visiting their houses to see those people who were sick for several days because of such a weird experience.I was thankful that my mom did volunteer to keep some plants at our house :P

Well everybody might have some story to tell..But then..'Do Ghosts Exist'??

Curious Case of BN

2009-01-24T22:05:00.006-06:00

I am feeling very homesick today.Tried to flip through the old pictures,old memories and even listened to the songs I used to hear at home.Tried to talk about my home,my routines,my school and what not.But then at some point I just couldnt talk more,felt like I forgot the dream I had yesterday.I know I can never get those days back.

"What would you like to do now"-This was an innocuous question my friend asked me over a chat today.Though he was expecting me to say'Lets playscrabble in facebook' I had a different answer and it was ...

I wanna go to SM Street in Calicut with my friends.Get down near Manchira sqaure and walk in the crowd and get inside the triveni store.On my way, I want to pray in front of the Hanuman Kovil for a minute and rush to the store and see the latest school items.Checking the list in my pocket I want to head to TBS and get a few books and stationaries.Head back to Koyenco Bazar and have a Sharjah from the corner shop.Window shop the latest salwars and 'gulp' at those price tags.Get an to Mezban with an anxiety.Sit in our favourite table and start the usual gossip sessions ordering fish fingers and kababs followed by the Kadai Biriyani.Spil the coke bottle like I always do.Burp-Time to walk to the Baskin Robbins.Walking in the dust and rush near BMH I wanna look around and comment on those couples from our college who have come to the city to hang out.Get an auto back from BMH to the Palayam stand I wanna hear the drivers and Kilis shouting 'Mukkam -REC..Mukkam REC'

Step into those flamboyant private buses and get hold of the 3 seater next to the driver.Open my purse and give Rs 12..Fasten those invisible belts for the roller coaster ride

Close my eyes and 'Lift shadows off a Day' till I see the hoard 'NIT Calicut'

I miss Calicut!I miss my Home!

Dreams on Fire

2009-01-12T12:08:00.003-06:00

The song 'Dreams on Fire' has been haunting me for the past few days.It was a Deja Vu.I felt it was me who was singing it aloud.I sang several times.Felt as if I could vent out those dark complexes, I had within.I couldnt correlate the lyrics and my conscience. I felt good.It might sound a little insane,but I belive there are a lot of things you can do for yourself,to help yourself and know you better.This might sound contradictory to the lyrics of the song which emphasize the love for someone else.I just hope I can have an empty mind to sing this song again,not to vent out the dirt,but to feel the beauty of the words.

You are my waking dream
You're all thats real to me
You are the magic in the world i see
You are in the prayer i saying
You are in my two my names
You are the faith that make me belive
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
Pasion burning
Ride on the path
Once for forever yours
In me
All your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
You are my ocean rage
You are my thought each day
you are the laughter from childhood games
lyricsmasti.com
You are things further down
You are where i belong
You are make me feel in every songs
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher
Pasion burning
Ride on the path
Once for forever yours
In me
All your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher n higher

Congrats to AR Rehman for the Golden Globe.I was so excited after watching Golden Globe.Felt like someobody in my Family got those awards.The Music of the movie did leave an impact.Rock On. :)

Fairy Tale

2009-01-03T08:56:00.003-06:00

2009!I feel very old,tired and exhausted.Feel like sitting in rocking chair and narrating a long story to my grandkids.But then I realise I am still a grand'kid' not a grand'ma'.A listener to some great anonymous story teller.I still have a very long way to go,cannot afford to take a break at this stage.But what excites me is the fact that if I keep walking,there is a 'tinny tiny'(Courtesy to my 3 year old cousin) hope that my story might end in 'Happily ever after'.

I couldn't come up with a new year resolution.I forget my new year resolutions within a week or so,But it was always fun to have one on new year.The most popular new year resolution was to get up before 6:30 every morning.My amma used to promise me with tempting gifts if I hold on to this resolution for atleast a month.But somehow I couldnt get up before 7:30 even if I had a board exam at 8:30.

Does a wish really make a difference?I checked my 2009 forecasts on the new year day itself.Very interesting predictions.I am thinking of starting a 'astrology' column in my blog.On a lighter note it will be good idea to have a astrology,matrimonial and relationship consulting!I am sure to Rock ;).After all my degree is in Construction management,would definitely have some 'Constructive' management skills :P

Happy New Year!

Happy Birthday.I miss u a lot :)

........................................................................

This is some addition to my previous post :D

Consulting Business.

Step 1

Watch

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3r8tXF3GZXM

If you still have time watch this

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhcZdJDkz_w

3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7jxrstp6D4&feature=related

4.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApCaaaftDnQ&feature=related

5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ3pqwpL7hM&feature=related

Matrimonial Blues-Part 2

2008-12-27T14:20:00.008-06:00

The Matrimonial hunt is also hit hard by the recession.I hear less of engagements,but more of marriages as I believe people dont want to lose their fiancees too, along with losing their jobs.

Its been almost a year my relatives have been after me to look for guys in the matrimonial sites.Though I am a beginner compared to my friends who are far ahead in this process, I have had some wonderful experiences and have made some notes which might help all those who would be in this process sooner or later.For the ease of it let me call the Prospective candidate as PC and the Applicant as AC :D

1.Unlike the primitive times where we had to make phone calls to our friends/relatives to know about someone,today the first thing the AC does his 'google' his/her name in orkut search.Well if you find a really impressive profile picture,Whew!Next comes intense postmoretm of the the profile which includes the interests,profession even 5 things you find in his/her bedroom :P.If you have really wacky'dull 'headlines' or 'about me' its gonna be a big turn off.Then comes the testimonials.Make sure you have really impressive testimonials and please do not lock your testimonials if you are a PC!On a lighter note,if you have the testimonials from ur ex-gfs/bfs,its high time you delete those mushy testimonials.

Most of the albums and scrapbook are locked these days.But trust me, people like me even go to the extent of reading the scrap books of PCs from the first page and have been turned off by the insight of their past relationships.I know quite a lot of people who have been disappointed to see the album locked and end up asking the 'mutual friends' to download and send them the pictures :)

Communities are another major criteria in the selection process.Getting to know the guy is through the communities he is a member of.First things first.You check on the 'mutual communities'.Yipee!! We have 5 communities in common. Make sure you screen your communities well if you are in this process.Recently my friend rejected a guy just because he was part of a liquor community as it was not quite acceptable in their religion.

Well if you are a blogger,Bingo!It helps ur AC to get a good idea about you.Many of those doing ng MS/PhD have their own academic web pages which also helps the AC.

These days 'googling' in orkut has become so common that many of the elders in my family do that to learn more about the fiancees of their dear ones.If you are already engaged or announced your commitment to the family,You can expect to see a lot of of profile visitors.

Unfortunately Facebook doesnt allow unsolicited loitering in their profile,So many are disappointed to find PCs having no accounts in orkut,but only in Facebook.

2.Never start a conversation with a AC with a notion that he or she knows nothing about you.In this era of cyber matrimonial and dating,its very easy for anybody to find details of the past relationships.To be on the safer side,its always best to be truthful about your social life,else you'll be sued for cheating with ur scrapbook or testimonials as evidence.

Recently my cousin came up with this proposal for me from a IITM guy.She expected me to get excited as once upon a time I had put 'IIT,NIT'in my specifications and kept rejecting her selections as they are not from IIT,NIT.Though I did it to escape from this process,Now I realise most girls from my college days prefer the same.Well coming back to the story,I googled the guy's name in orkut and was surprised to find no common friends as I always end up finding at least a common friend with a NIT or IIT guy.I wasn't very much impressed by his pic nor his profile which looked dead without even one testimonial.My cousin was kinda proud of giving me a guy of my choice and was talking about the future plans and how his face reminded her of me.But I knew I could find an excuse,I kept fiddling with his profile,and here is the catch.Well its not IITM BUT IIITM :) Bingo!I jumped and told her about my intelligent finding!

But all that she told me was.'Edi ,Cmon Big deal..He has an extra 'I' not one less;so its a plus right?' :D

Good Luck guys n gals with your 'HUNT'.Time to polish ur profiles :)

Trial of words

2008-12-18T00:49:00.006-06:00

Holding hands of those shadows beside me

I stood there frozen to feel the dream

Did you tell me I could feel the warmth?

Or did the shadows just echoed my past?

The space and time crumbling in myself

I could see you in that crackled mirror

Walking to you with those dark eyes in pain

I smiled to those stars that showed me my way

Deep steps might leave a mark for you

to make you regret on the blood that it shed

crippled faith wont let me surrender to you

my silent scream would reach you soon

to wake you up from the dream you showed me.

I believe behind every sorrow there is an expectation.To feel true happiness or content we have to get rid of all expectations we have in others,society and future.But I dont think anyone of us could have the leisure of not having any expectations.If you claim you dont,I bet you are the biggest hypocrit.I personaly have seen a lot of people who claim to be really strong struggling to establish their strength or emphasize that in their deeds.But the truth is its all about how well you hide your weakness.Strength is that virtue which people develop to hold on to satisy their ego ....Cliche?

Whoop!!

2008-12-12T23:07:00.013-06:00

Inspite of changing my orkut status to 'Graduated', I was not really excited about the graduation.I didn't know why I wasnt excited.Must be my 'unemployment' status or might be the fact that I wanted a few people to be with me on this special day.Graduation ceremony might not be a big deal for many,But there is something that brings a lot of friends and family to this occasion.Some unknown feeling of pride on their dear ones.While I walked in in Regalia with thousands in the stadium,for some reason I started walking strong,something pulled back my stoop and pushed my chin up.I smiled..I looked around,I felt that the entire crowd was there to cheer me :)
This lasted for a fraction of a second.But I wish I could get that smile back.
Everytime you smile ,you pay for it.I did say goodbye to few people who were a big part of my life here.Tears cant hold them back,nor the friendship.All that you can hope is that 'smile' when you scan through those beautiful moments we shared :)

I better stop this Post here on a happy Note!!
PS:
1.Bush's Speech was not that bad.I really enjoyed it.He has a good sense of humour :)
2.Thats me in the pic ;)Whoop!I graduated!Proud to be an Aggie!!

Who is your President?

2008-12-07T12:37:00.012-06:00

Our Brain is very wicked!It sometimes put you in awkward and embarrassing situations.Yesterday had a good trivia time with Ms Brain(Not sure if I should address my own brain Ms or Mr).:P
We were a group of 5 celebrating my friend's graduation at a Cajun Sea food restaurant.Three Indians and 2 French. When struggling hard with lobster tails, I always prefer to be silent as I don't like others to find out that I am clumsy with food.
Trying hard to avoid the Euro-Indo relationships,we were having a good time discussing the food,music and culture.Appreciating their interest and knowledge in Indian cities, we were just trying hard to act 'International'.(Thanks to those ads by the tourism ministry that pop up in our TV Channels).
Here comes the twist.This French girl asked me an innocuous question.So 'Baadera',Who is the President of India?Gulp!I kept chewing nothing!President of India(Not Obama,Not Mc Cain,Not Bush).I looked at the other two(Similar gestures).Busy meddling with lobsters.
Finally my other friend charged.Our Prime Minister is Manmohan Singh!The next in row,Our former President was Dr Abdul Kalam.Both of them looked at me as if I was supposed to take the ball in my court.
Cant I remember the name of the President of my country.Felt as if their looks were crushing me.Trying to hide my shameful face, I started a conversation to justify our memory .'You know unlike in France,President is not so important to us,Its PM for us, and our President is a she..(I said inside..dam..so what?Just because its a female how can you forget her name).
French Army:"But cmon guys,none of you know her name?"
Indian Army:(Giggling)(All eyes on me)(I hate to admit here I was in the quiz club both in school and college)
All that I could remember was the article I read in Times of India where her comments on Bombay attack.But Still no luck with name..I cursed my memory.!
Waiter looking at my exhausted face..'Yes Mam,what dessert can I get for you'
P...Patail..Yesss Pratiba Patil
Whew!I just didnt notice the weird and confused look on his face.I just looked at everybody and screamed..Its Pratiba Patil..The President of India :)
I heard laughter,I heard sarcasm!But I was happy.I didnt forget her name.
Should I blame the media for not binging her name?Should I blame her for not being an active President?Or is it just my brain or my lack of current affairs!
My friend did a good job asking me another innocuous question..'Pratiba Patil?Are you sure?I thought she was some old bollywood actress'!
God Bless India!

Notes on /of Sarcasm 4

2008-11-30T11:08:00.005-06:00

Writing some nonsense philosophies late night do invite some troubles.I was on a transient state while writing the previous post. Didn't even think twice before I pressed the 'Publish post' button.But today morning I am in a hyper mood.Thanks to the post and those emails I got yesterday night.I would love to publish the gist of the emails here.It is indeed funny!
A Classmate:Girl,are you ok? Did u start drinking?(Saturday night syndromes)
Friend :I wont comment for this post.It just made me :(
Friend :Oh please enough of this crap!Please start your 'love philosophies' again
Friend :Please come back to India dear.We will look for jobs here.
Friend :Not again!As usual grammatical mistakes.Why don't u read twice before u publish something.Your sentences are unstructured
Cousin :I showed this post to Amma.She asked you to stop blogging and stop worrying.
Aunty :Mole,Stop worrying!Everything will be alright.We have resumed the hunt in 'Bharat matrimony'

Well for those who havent emailed me!I am eagerly waiting!These emails just made my day!

Just for me!

2008-11-30T01:02:00.006-06:00

November 23!Well Astrologer was absolutely right!It was a turning point.A day which gave a good foundation to my pessimistic outlook towards the so called journey'life'.
Being philosophical about life doesn't help you to escape away from the truths of life.I am a typical cancer who is over emotional and touchy but at the same time intuitive and imaginative.I have a dream world deep inside me where I am a that little girl who wants all the stories to end in 'Happily Ever after'.But unfortunately I could never tag it to any part of to my life.
All most all of us have a worry.We frame our worries and anxieties so big that we ourselves make it impossible for us to concede the depth of it.Somehow planning never works for me.I have this strong faith or may be the lack of it, that things will definitely go wrong with me.Inspite of all those people who loves me giving me the strength to look forward for that hidden happiness which has been deliberately evading me for so long,somehow my mind never lets me optimistic.I put my chin up and walk forward expecting an obstacle not the hidden treasure.But belive me it does help me out to face everything that comes by.
Couple of weeks back,I had a verbal offer from one of the top companies in my field.Though I had every reason to be excited,I knew I couldn't be so lucky.I tried to keep it within me without letting my smile curl up.Finally I did get a call from them informing me about their' Hire Freeze' decision.
I felt like running away from this truth.I couldn't bring that 'strong' self of mine.Like the little girl who had to go to bed without hearing fer favorite line,I felt so incomplete and confused.
Recession is not my mistake!Hire Freeze is not my mistake!I would be criticized if I say my decision to take MS was a mistake!
All that I know now is ,there are things out of your control.Its easy to tell others or give them an assurance that things are gonna be alright.But do we all mean it when we say it?
The 195 innocent souls who were brutally murdered this week,what was their mistake?We don't know.We can never even put ourselves in the shoes of their dear ones.Sometimes its better to just smile at this so called 'fate'.'Uncertainty' is the keyword.When we live we should try to live our life to fullest.But for people like me its a difficult task because I always look for a fall not a rise!But I sincerely hope if ever there is something called an 'ultimate' power,Please prove me wrong!I want to be wrong about my faith this time.

Howdy!!

2008-11-03T15:43:00.004-06:00

Well Its been a long time I scribbled something in this space.My blog looks so dull and 'not happening'.It truly reflects my present state.One more month for graduation.I'll have a masters degree in my hand!!Whoop!
Have a lot of dreams and expectations from the month 'November'.As per some astrologer 'Nov 23' 2008 is a turning point in my life.I wish it turns forward not backward!!Hope I could make my trip to India in December.My next post will be here as soon as I am officially 'employed'

:)

The Ghost of You!

2008-10-05T18:34:00.005-05:00

When we feel really helpless or rather embarrassed about something,we move into a stage of hostile procrastination.The element of dissatisfaction about someone or the way you responded to it, will instill some knee-jerk behaviours.
At times, when we are really pissed about something and also have a self realization that there is no sense in being silly/pissed about it,we try to act as if we wouldn't vent it out to make a fool of ourselves.But the irony is that,such foolish attempts might lead toa zillion destructive assumptions.
Most of the people(though majority of them don't admit) are sensitive and possessive.But their sensitivity and possessiveness are camouflaged well or rather many can carry themselves pretty well without letting the world know that they do have the so called 'Female traits'.The most foolish thing one can do about this would be going around telling everybody about your behavioural traits.We might think this would help others in understanding us in our state of 'Chaos',But for those who do that,they will be tagged with such traits even if they behaviour is normal and sensible.
The best way of dealing with the mood swings and behavioural inconsistencies would be the so called adaptive intelligence.Take small steps at a time and try to correct every single breath you take right form the beginning of emotional chaos.
Try to look at yourself as you would see any other person in trauma.Never let yourself run away or towards the reason of the conflict.'Diplomacy' is the right term here.Our own self can be very interesting at times.Learning ourselves and the frequency curves would lead us to a state of simplicity.A world without any preset philosophies.Just go for a free fall.Re frame your thinking mode.Don't make yourself the hero of a cult movie but,Like in romantic comedies,try to be that stupid hero who fails to be himself in front of the heroine.

Happy Birthday!!

2008-10-03T14:38:00.006-05:00

'Lifting shadows off a Dream turned 1 today'..Ooops a long Name..I should rather call him(Yes Yes its a him) by his pet name.I still haven't come up with a cute name yet.But suggestions are welcome.;)
Well last year when I decided to start a public blog,my intentions were just to kill time and frustrations.
My friends always complain that I never edit my emails and letters!When I started blogging I never wanted people to comment on my sentence structure,spellings and grammar.But then like somebody says 'Who Cares'.;)
But today my little cute diary is dormant.I am into the tasking of 'Saving Tress'.
Well it was a pretty good networking with blogging.On this day my intention is to write about some funny incidents and characters I met in this space.
Thanks to the blogpane for the popularity and the hits.Special thanks to Ajith for linking one of my posts in his blog and his comments for almost all my posts.I used to stalk on all the visitors using my sitemeter and have a good laugh when I realise that some people read my blog everyday!
There used to be this anonymous person who used to comment about my writing style and sentence structure.I guess he thinks there is no use giving me advices rather warnings :P.
The Anonymous Economist:Mr Anand,the economist from world bank!No idea who this guy is.I tried hard finding him in orkut with the help of all the information on his IP.No luck.He no more reads my blog!Well it was fun reading your comments Mr Economist.

Vintace aka Thomas: Someone who pretends that he is commenting but writes longer stuff than what I post.Finally he ended up starting a blog for his 'Creative writing'.

Anonymous Austin:Every single day I used to have a visitor from UT Austin who had linux OS,I have just two friends in UT.One is someone who wouldn't even read his assignments properly.The other friend,well to be honest I thought she would be the last person to stalk on me.I belived there is some anonymous admirer in UT until last week,When all the suspense ended,it was her..Ms NP!!;)

Trivandrum-Kolkata-LA Somebody who never wants me to blog just because he knows I write only when I am extremely depressed.Thanks to him for all those international and now free AT&T calls starting 'What happened da?'

Delhi Team:The Alstom Females :Daily Cup of coffee!!

My Family:
My Chettan and Chechi who keeps an eye on my Blog!
My Chechis in Bay Area who reads my blog from their office.(Nortel,Cisco)

Work(Internship):
Thanks Jamie for reading my blog regularly1Missing You all!!

College Station:For all those stalkers in College Station:More to Come :P

Finland: Thanks Laila Chechi

Chennai:Ms I never knew you would read read my Blog Aaaana :P

Anonymous Anonymous!Still quite a lot of critics are anonymous.I just know their locations!
Singapore
New Delhi
Bangalore(I know a few)
Bombay(Special thanks to Jolly for adding my blog)
Trivandrum
Cochin
Trichur
Clemson,South Carolina(I think I know who this can be)
UIUC,Illinois
Well I should stop this here!
Thanks a lot for all those visits and comments,I missed a lot of regular visitors here,But then I am not sure If they will be happy to have their name in my post :P
More to Come :)
PS:Duh!Not edited!!

My Chicken Soup

2008-09-18T18:55:00.007-05:00

1.Career Fair :Not at all Fair.
Headline:'We don't sponsor International Students'
Process:Wash all the plates before you go to bed!Start the next day with a clean kitchen.
PS:Conserve Trees.Do not give your resumes just because u spent 2 weeks preparing it.

2.Friendship:A Complex Possessiveness
Headline:'Seasons in the Sun'
Process:Vent out all that insecurities,possessiveness,fear and anxiety you have for your friend.Act like a total fool.Toast the bread with extra Cheese for him/her.
PS:Do not try this before you plan to sleep.You'll lose your sleep,next day's classes and assignment deadlines.

3.Mono act:A Satire
Headline: Weapon of Choice
Process:Laugh aloud,smile as if you got the best surprise ever,weep inside with a thought that I fooled them again.Switch off the Pressure Cooker before 6 whistles,else it will be the 'last Smile'
PS:The Audience area set of prejudiced souls who are busy with their personal affairs.Never ever expect that the theatre will be house full everyday like the inaugral day.

Stairway to Heaven :D

2008-09-11T18:46:00.005-05:00

Doomsday talks all around the world,people are slowly accepting the fact that the rumours might actually come true.Every single person I meet has some interesting piece of information about the doomsday.I started noticing posters here and there about various 'world ending' party announcements.Well,such doomsday announcements have come and gone.I still remember atleast a dozen of such announcements in past 15 years.But this time media is giving an unusual coverage to the whole 'Big Bang' experiment.
I really don't why should everybody worry,because even if it happens we wont even know.Its gonna be like a dream.Its just a fraction of a second.A blink!I just read about a girl in India who suicided just because she though world is gonna end.Even if its true she will be the only loser!For me the whole 'doomsday' is not making any sense.I don't think any agency would let an experiment happen without studying the consequences.May be its the experiment team itself bringing up such possibilities to give popularity to this experiment!I am just glad I did a bit of learningg about Big Bang! :P
With the 'Ike' Hurricane hitting our place tomorrow,everybody is excitedly talking about their last wishes.But I am glad I got a holiday for Onam to welcome the'Ike' maveli.Its gonna be a thrilling experience tomorrow,with a zillion emails poring in my mailbox from the university authorities regarding the weather conditions and preparations,I am getting more and more curious how severe it is gonna be.May be this is a hype,But may be not.
Happy Onam and Happy 'Ike' to all in College Station :)
I am missing Onam terribly!May be Onakodis more ;)
PS:I would love to know what everybody thinks of doomsday!

Monday Tidbits ...

2008-09-08T23:48:00.008-05:00

Till yesterday we did not know it,
Even tomorrow, we may not know it,
The death to this trunk which is the body that we see today,
Know we not when it is.
We do not know what we were in the last birth,
We do not know what we will be in the next birth,
Even in this birth in this human body,
Know we not when all this is going to end.

This is the English translation of the famous 'Jyanapana' by Poonthanam.
My knowledge or exposure to vedanta is limited or honestly nil.But then jyanapana was a simple poem which I used to chant every evening assuming it is a prayer song.But for some reason I feel that this wonderful work is a nutshell of the so called 'Life'.We run around grabbing all that we can get hold of,every step pre planned and scheduled.But we hardly get time to realise the truth that we might have to stop the race even without a warning.There can come a crazy fraction of a second which is gonna pull you back to where we all started.But what drives us to our destination is the ignorance of this truth.Once we are enlightened,we might never run again and give up this race which we might finish with a Gold!Well few weeks ago I had a wonderful enlightenment !A'coming back to life'.I have called myself unlucky a zillion times,But a luck wrapped me up and lifted off that dark shadow which had been following ever since I lost faith in Lord.Never knew my own prejudices might betray me.But now I see the path ahead and behind, in the same bright sunlight.But without my own shadow.
The excitement comes in that uncertainty we have in our minds.Life is more complicated than Ekta Kapoor serials!Even after years the clock continues ticking,but all the actors look fresh and flamboyant!Its because we never know when and where is the climax.So do keep watching the recaps and precaps.To be Continued....

PS: Lately I have been criticized for the lack of structure,spellings,grammar etc.I am really sorry to disappoint all those who sincerely wanted me to improve..Its too late I guess.. :P
I just hate editing!!

An incomplete Note

2008-08-21T11:30:00.005-05:00

A phase of dejection and then there comes a phase of geniality!Like the general public say after every down phase in life,there is indeed a up side.Though I completely disagree with the second statement I decided to embrace the so called 'geniality' in the subconscious mind.My enthusiasm to fool around and hide my actual age by narrating interesting gossip masalas in my kiddish way helped me a lot in giving me a immature image!(For those who haven't met me,I look like a8 grader :P)
I wanted to come back to Texas with a mature image this time.Though I cant have a make over,But I thought this semester I wanted to be what I used to be 3 years ago.
May be like a dear friend told me the other day,I indeed need a fine tuning in the way I carry myself.An elegance or rather a maturity!
This summer I realised my priorities in life have changed a lot.My B school dreams,my career interests everything has changed.I have started compromising on a lot of things,my expectation about myself,people around me.
My pessimistic views or rather experiences that made me realise there are only very few things u can take control of.You are NOT the boss of yourself.
I came back with a hope,I can be a new self,a fake idol.
Like a new year resolution its just vanished on the second day!I forgot about the resolution..I felt it was a silly dream I had.Though I changed my track from matrimonial track to my career path,there is still some fine tuning missing somewhere.Can we indeed change ourselves in a month?Is this fine tuning going to help me grab all my dreams??Or is it the time I start doing what I hate the most!Loving my self!
With 4 courses,full time job hunt and no part time job,may be I wont get anther chance to waste my time for a silly thought like this.But may be some years down the line,when I read these lines,I might laugh at this post with the same immaturity with which I completed this post.

Matrimonial Blues!!

2008-07-26T19:38:00.006-05:00

I guess this post may turn out to be a bit controversial. :p
But this is something I really wanted to write ,but never had the 'Guts' to.But today after being asked by my relatives to create a profile in Bharat Matrimony,I guess a few words of sarcasm/helplessness should be vent out from a soul that is burning out a remote sense of humility!
Few years back when I joined college and used to watch my friends get into relationships,I used to believe myself that it is a taboo!My previous posts about my perspective of theories of 'Love' has labeled me as a conservative idiot who is not ready to move on life because of her silly principles and ideologies.
Well, as grad student who took courses in Risk management still do believe that its not a worthy 'Risk'.Four years of a wonderful college life taught me a few more theories about 'Falling in Love'.
1.Its all meant for people who can just change plates and simply moves kissing goodbye to all those emotional entanglement whatsoever they had.
2.Never ever assume that couples you see around you are gonna get married.
3.If you are just looking for momentary fun,Romance is a bliss!!

Well I am deviating from what I intend to write,so let me just come back to the point.There comes a point early/late in most of our lives we have to think seriously about finding a partner for ourselves(This is a very generic statement,I agree there might be exceptions).So for all those unfortunate souls who tried to stick with the Risk management theories will have to go through a humiliating torture which might ultimately lead them to a turning point in life.
But the method has undergone a major evolution in past few years.Newspaper adds and brokers are not attractive anymore.Its all about how well you can describe in a few words about yourself and your family.
I found it funny and a bit frustrated when I logged into one of the matrimonial sites to register myself.May be its not a big deal.But for a few seconds I felt as if I was gonna be put on sale in E Bay!To describe yourself in 50 words,your expectations about your partner in another 50 words!Should I just cut copy paste my Resume or put a link to my orkut profile?? (Which I think is a better idea)
Is this how everything works out in our society??My friends had some terrible experiences with the so called' checking out' a guy as a part of the arranged marriage business.You go meet a guy who your parents found you from a newspaper/site talk to him for an hour and give them a 'Yes' or 'No' in 24 hours!
Well,like the dating sites ,it a gamble which few people have to go through I guess.A punishment for keeping up your priciples and theories and mitigating a risk!
On a lighter note,like in Bollywood movies 'Mr Khan' would be there next to you in the flight.I should make sure I talk to the guy next to me when I fly next time!
The time is not so far when we see matrimony classifieds in personal Blogs!!

Whining Guitar String!

2008-07-20T22:45:00.006-05:00

'Strength is a Virtue always admired,Never Desired'.
This is the ultimate truth that I have been living for a couple of years.I was quiet ignorant about the great philosophies the authors of 'self motivating' books narrate which makes the readers feel that they are with a bunch of equally affected species.Their trauma is something they need to work out and one fine day they see themselves standing on a pedestal.
But the truth is that when people call somebody strong,the person never realises the depth of their strength.Strength of mind is generally misunderstood has some sort of a capacity to take any kind of tragedies and move ahead faking all the sorrows with your chin up!!As time goes those strong minds are stamped on and taken for granted by others that they are numb to any kind of trauma!!All that the world can tell them is'You are strong,we know u can handle this'!
What that matters is the reselience,how much an indiviual can handle a change in life,some people cant even digest a small change in their daily schedule,but for some others every day can be a new experience.Its how ur soul is made.Rubber or Rock!!
But cant the strong mnd wish for a weak moment?A moment to be framed as a weak soul and cuddle for warmth!A stronger ladder to climb on with a weak mind, But a trust to those foots that it will never make you fall!!

A Random Thought!!

2008-07-13T04:47:00.003-05:00

All of us have zillion goals in life ranging from doing the laundry during the weekend to becoming the CEO of the company you work for.A group of people find pleasure and are content with a mediocre set of dreams or tasks that they think they can fit in ,but some others chase the kite without any idea how to get back to where they started.
Every kid we see today are toppers,multi talented,waiting for a stage to show the world that they are ready for the race.Parents training them with talent buiding and a few hours of fun periods in their timetable.Of all the people we see in the front of the race have an anxiety,a fear if they will succeed!But do we notice those people at the far end of the lane??
Are they ready for it?Do they know what a 'Race' is.But we see a smile of content,happiness that they made a day happen and a confidence that they will make tomorrow a better day.Just a hug from their dear ones giving them a warmth in this winter of pain.
NB: Thats my cute nephew who just turned 1 this week :)
PS: This post is a movie hangover!!A movie of 'special' kids

To live a Song

2008-06-26T22:21:00.003-05:00

I smiled with a sparkle that made everybody blind
Closing my eyes I shuddered to feel the darkness
swallowed those heavy tears that was bitter
My Chin up,I tried to feel those zillion hands holding me
strangling fingers and sweating hands slipping away
Those promises I counted on fading away
I let them go, holding on to my fake strength
I cried aloud within to smile through my eyes
waving goodbye to all those words that helped me breathe
Choking inside to cover up another new rhythm
A song I wish I never lived to be a dirge!!

Lifting Shadows Off a Day

2008-05-22T14:48:00.002-05:00

I have been longing to write a post about some small and interesting things I have been coming across ever since I started my Internship. But Unfortunately I don’t even get time to login to ORKUT!! Yes I am busy.:P
Warning: Please don’t read this post unless you are absolutely jobless. Its a mixture of all tenses. Please don’t sue me for not using the right tenses nor for the lack of structure and Grammar.I am writing this for my own record ..:P
The following is my typical schedule ever since 12 May 2008
# 5:26 am : Wake Up Alarm ,Oh no.. Please let me sleep for 2 more minutes, Reminds of me of school days when my Mom used to wake me up at 7:30 and I used to plead her to let me sleep for 2 more minutes hiding inside the blanket. Nobody to listen to your excuses and complaints, Just a thought ’Damn I hate waking up early’
# 5:55 am : Microwave beeps, Gulping the cup of milk grabs the jacket and Backpack and runs out of a silent house
# 6:05 am : Meets Ms ‘skirt lady’ who greets me everyday ‘Hello Hovayu’.I still have not asked her for name  .We talk about the weather and why it is still freaking cold even though they call it summer here. She is very excited about the long weekend and her plans to meet her grand daughter who is going to be home
#6:10 am : Boards 214 AC Transit. Driver greets.’Goood Morning’.I am busy looking for quarters to put in the coin machine. I see a middle-aged woman sitting in a wheel chair who greets everybody with a smile. She is mentally challenged. I wonder where she is heading to early morning ,except for her everybody busy taking a small nap.
#6:26 am :BART train: Everybody rushing to get the first train, I cant even find a single person who is not running, except for me who is dazed!!
I get inside, pulls out my IPod trying to listen to some random song, so that I wont fall asleep and miss my station and get the next train.I see a girl waiting for someone right next to the door screaming in her phone' come fast…'I assumed it must be her boyfriend. But I was surprised I see a lady in her late forties running inside. Both of them sat inside,she plugs on her IPod and the lady kept looking at her as if she is seeing her after a long time.She touches the girl’s hair, her handbag and the girl started explaining to her about her shopping experience last week. She took out her sunglasses and showed it her. The lady smiled and said she looks good in that attire. It was a mom and a daughter meeting in the train may be after week.
#6:50 am :Lady gets off at a station hugging and kissing her daughter, A guy sitting next to me switched on his Radio and started rapping. Indians in the train busy making calls home and wishing their dear ones Goodnight.
# 7:05 am :Boards the 77 Eastridge Bus: Not many commuters, just a few Mexican laborers and I look outside and see big rush of people waiting for their buses
# 7:20 am :Gets off at Alum Rock which is a major Mexican Heritage area.Everything is written in Spanish. I walk almost a mile to my office watching a lot of small scale shops that reminds me the workshops and some stores in India.Mexicans and Indians are similar in lot of ways.
# 7:35am : I enter my office(Which is satellite office) and Jamie greets me with a big Good orning.She is my friend in office, somebody who helps me with everything right from Day 1.We talk about everything when we get time. about family,culture,career and what not!!.I read how much she worries about her teenage daughter and a desire in her to see her daughter get a good education. From her I learnt a lot about the American community and how difficult is bringing up kids in this part of the world.
# 7: 45 am. Greets my boss Jason and stand there smiling at him waiting for him to give me some work.Hurray!!I am working at Hitachi today. Hitachi is one of the major projects of the company and I go there once in a while to help the project managers there.
Quickly checks my mail and wore my boots and took out my field hat and vest.

#8:45 am : Jamie drives me to Hiatchi site giving me a wonderful trip in her car.I still have no idea how we made it up there without any tickets. She thought me’ What not to do in roads’
# 9:00 am. Meets Mike who is a project Engineer @Hitachi and took me inside a conference room. Yes it was the first official meeting of my life.This was a meeting with the General Contractor. I see all familiar faces in my company side and new Faces with other side.An Indian Boy!!!Wow.Thats a big surprise.The meeting started with my introduction as I was the new one to everyone. Mike said ‘This is Baaadra Naeir’ who is a new intern and she is from TexasA&M..Blah Blah’..The head of the table said..Oh No. another tough name.!!He asked me ‘Could you please go write your name on board’
I walked to the board and saw in bold letters ‘Karthik Jayachandran’ under that and came back and sat there.hen they started talking about the ‘Nair’ hair removing cream. It was so embarrassing. Luckily the meeting started and No more ‘Nair’ talks.
After the meeting one guy came and asked me are u also from India like Karthik?I said yes and then he showed me a map with lots of pins on it and asked me ,where u from.I pointed out Calicut and also noticed a pin in Madras. e gave me a pin and I pinned it on Calicut. Supposedly all those who work on the project from every company, government or the owner side has to put a pin on the map.I felt so Good. kudos to Calicut.I felt as if I won a Gold medal in olympics and I was standing on the podium listening to National Anthemn.:P
#1:00 pm : working on scheduling, was careful not to make any mistakes and not to ask any idiotic questions.
#2:00 pm :Took out my lunch box and had the three chapattis I made the day before
# 4:45 pm:Mike said he will drop me off at SanJose where I take my Bus back home.
Got into his truck.Had a talk about how he started his career and about his experiences in Construction Industry
#5:00-Waiting for the bus with a bunch of school Children,too tired to observe to write what is going around.Boards another two three buses.Many IT people on bus,tired faces
# 7:30:Phew Finally home:My nieces busy watching their favourite program,the house unlike I left is lively,I ask Nitu about her School,But no reply.Little one looks at me,I asked her about her day,she had so much to tell me.Helps Chechi with Dinner Preparation
#8:30 :Dinner Time.I talk about my day and my office,I am happy to see some Good Food on table 
#9:00 :Checks mails, Just going trough the different mails and different events happening in other parts of world.’Lifting Shadows off a Dream’ is idle..My phone rings.I smile and repeat the wholeday to a poor soul who made a IST call.Waited for some more calls..No 
#10:00 Trying to sleep:Feels like I am in the bus.I hear TV downstairs,I so very wish go watch it
#10:30 Dreams  Lifting shadows off a day

Made in China

2008-05-10T17:45:00.004-05:00

A few minutes back my 6 year old niece asked her parents a smart question."why is that all my toys are 'Made in China',Doesn't India make anything??.Well her IT parents replied by shooting another question to her "Molu,who works in Yahoo and Google??As her Father works with Yahoo,she was convinced India does make something!!

Well personally I used to feel that label just indicates cheap quality.All those China shops which used to pop in small towns, Rs 15 cute bunny shaped alarm clocks with the 'made in china' sticker.The fake ipods,mp3,watches.I can think a lot of China now :) Even in the suburbs of India or may be in almost every country,all the restaurants,the Menu would have Chinese!!They have a signature everywhere and on everything!!!
Largest population,one of the largest economies,culture,what not!Still they are also second class citizens like we Indians in the so called 'One World Concept'.
Even when the Olympic torch going as high as Mount Everest,the country's effort of popularizing the event was plummeting, the US and UK Newspapers are talking about Human rights issues and portraying the whole campaign as a show off!!Ironic!
I am not a China supporter, a promoter of Confucianism or an economist!!But all I know is I hate Chinese cuisine lately :P

Fear of the Dark

2008-05-05T13:34:00.002-05:00

There are moments or rather instances which puts you in a mood to look within!!I was trying to figure out what is 'ME'.This might sound a little stupid,but then like somebody asked me 'What is the purpose of Blogging' the answer is just again a thought!!
The insecure feeling in me comes out as over posessiveness or rather a very quick decison of 'keeping a distance'.Its difficult to keep up to the expectations of everyone and swinging between the two extreme thoughts is the worst torture.At a point you feel that you donthave anybody to count on and the very next moment you realise the strangling love and care that would make you feel guilty!Am I worth all this?Can I keep up all their hopes and expectations?I really dont know!!But why is that when i just turn back I dont see anybody.Why is that inspite of all assurances I feel that I am standing alone.Am I scared to hold the hands for the fear of losing it on my way!!All I know is I dont want to lose anything more!!I fear to posess anything!
Like a small child hiding her barbie doll under the bed before she sleeps,I wish I could hide all the care and love others give me!!

Home Sweet Home

2008-04-28T00:08:00.003-05:00

Never can I say goodbye to those crimson walls
Every brick calling me back for a touch
living behind my heart in those corners
Hiding all those happy moments I had with them
Can they just echo my childhood ??
Those marks I made with my dirty hands
clinging on to them to share my woes
I did heard them promise to keep me with them
Smell of monsoon haunting me every moment
Why did you give me the strength to walk away?
All I could hear was them singing dirges
I don't want to strangle in those memories
My tears can never wash you away
let me live in that heaven for another lifetime

Vishu :)

2008-04-13T13:08:00.006-05:00

I feel very nostalgic today..I have been trying to read 'Real Options:Managerial Flexibility and strategy in Resource allocation' for the past 3 hours,But the only thing that is coming to my mind is 'Vishu'.The evenings before Vishu when I used to go hunt for 'Kanikonna' in the campus..(I hope the 'Kanikonna' near Guest house and AB has bloomed)
Its a bit surprising because the only thing I enjoyed about vishu when I was at home was 'Vishukineetams' especially if I happen to be at my Native place on Vishu eve which happens only once in a blue moon.
I used to hate the fact that after'Vishukani' I am not allowed to go back to bed..:(
Then comes the Vishukineetam part and the temple visit for which I had to get ready early morning...I always wondered whats wrong in seeing the kani a bit late..:P
But today I realise that, things which i took very lightly in my life is actually a part of me..I just wish I could see a Vishkani tomorrow,..Have found a google Image of 'Vishukani'..Will put it as my Desktop..Hope I have a nice 'Cyber Vishu Kani' tomorrow
Happy Vishu!!

Just Another Dream

2008-04-07T16:17:00.003-05:00

Did I miss you in the crowd?
the bright colors of happiness
making me blind,I stood there
but my hands moved to find you
I felt a cold touch on my heart
I shuddered in the darkness
Let me just feel the shadow
I know you are here right with me
listening to my words with a smile
Can I tell you rest of the incomplete story?
Can you hold my hands to help me walk up there?
I need a lifetime to tell all about I missed telling you
Dont let the sun wake me up today
to tell me this is just another dream!!

An Incomplete piece

2008-03-26T01:01:00.002-05:00

I am very inquisitive by nature,especially when it comes to my future.I was born in a community which gives a lot of importance to the horoscope and related stuff.From the very first day somebody is born,a record on his/her name is made,much before the birth registration.'The Horoscope'.Irrespective of class or education it is a common scenario.A handbook of 'How your life is going to be'.A 'Help' file to guide you all your life.where fate is more important not our faith.
I always wanted to read the pink little book my Amma used to take out of our Cupboard whenever we had serious issues in our life.As a child I thought it might be some kind of a magic book when some magician opens would solve our problems.
When I grew up I became more interested in this book.I started reading more about astrology and felt that there was something true about it.Like some statical confidence intervals it can indeed can give you prediction intervals with 0-100% confidence intervals.I started subscribing to daily horoscopes and became a regular visitor to astrology.com
And there came the phase in my life when my friends started telling me that the 'palm and face reading' I used to do for fun had good amount of truth in it.Intuition thats all I said,or may be I am too good at bluffing.Honestly I don't know the significance of even a single line in the Palm,but somehow I became a famous face reader and palm reader amongst my friends in college and family.:)But my very first visit to an astrologer just to ask him the answer to one single question.Though he wasn't successful in giving me the right answer to that,he asked me if I do something like palm reading.I was dazed,it was something only a few people knew..I was so happy that day because I thought his other prediction would also come true,which never did...
Is there a truth in astrology??I do believe that there is.But may be we run after astrologers only when we have troubles in life and completely ignore this when we are in the problem free state.
There were couple instances when I decided I am going to throw away my horoscope and bitched all the astrologers!!But still I couldn't throw it away!But I still am very much into the whole thing which make me more pessimistic in life.I know this would hurt some of my very close friends who tried to convince me that the whole thing is bogus,just to make me more optimistic.
When certain things the astrologers predict don't come true our frustrations cross the limits.Is it because we think they are the life saviours or is it because we wanted this little book to tell us that we are not going to be affected by anything on earth??
I started this post with some other intentions in my mind.But I guess the stars above me are not in the right position or may be I started this post in the 'Rahu kalam'..I am not able to continue this anymore ..:)

A Doubt

2008-03-23T18:14:00.004-05:00

I came all the way holding your hand
Every single step I moved in the pain
the warmth of your hands made me strong
I looked on your eyes to see myself today
All I see is me smiling in the seasons to come
I searched for my true self in the present
Did you wash it away with your own tears?
The gleam faded with the pain that I hold
Faking a future that is never to be mine
I know this journey will never end
Every blossom I dreamt dried when the sun came
I wish you never gave your hand to hold on
Flaking memories would keep my smile
Tell me there is another world behind the zenith!!

Notes on/of Sarcasm-3

2008-03-20T17:41:00.010-05:00

Last week I was talking to one of my friends about 'Love Part-1&2' issues and she mentioned to me that she was 'living a dream'for three months.From that moment I have been thinking when was the last time I was living a dream?I thought it was impossible for any common man to live a dream,as those things just happen in the climaxes of Bollywood and Hollywood Romantic comedies.I do agree that everybody has different dreams,but then,Do we actually get the chance to live a dream in our Life!Everyday we have a small task ahead of us,by them time we are done,there comes the next day..But when does the'Living the Dream' part come in??

Again something very different from the what I was talking about.
There is this Prof in my Department who everybody hates,because he makes everybody work like hell and end up giving really bad grades.Most of us take his courses just because they are core courses and we cant escape from it.Nobody makes him their Advisor as he might never let us graduate with his strict policies.This semester my Department came up with a new policy that doesnt let the student choose the Advisor as most of us go for the lenient and sweet profs in the department ;).
As Expected this year I was the lucky soul to get 'the prof' as my advisor!!!I wasn't surprised but was happy,nobody would blame me for being always pessimistic..:p
Yesterday I went to meet him in his room..He asked me to wait in his room which actually made me realise a few things.
I happen to see lots of color papers in his room with cute drawings by his daughter.In every picture she has written 'You are the best Dad'.In every corner of his room he had picture os his daughter.I remember him telling us in class that his daughter is adopted..Though he is not the best prof for us,he is the best dad for a somebody.People we completely detest or might ignore because of our silly/stupid reasons might be very dear to somebody else or even mean the whole world to him/her.Isn't it something to be thought about..Everybody has different roles,In some we might fail and in some we might succeed,But failing in one wont make us a loser in life!!!

For My Amma

2008-03-08T16:41:00.006-06:00

I have been thinking of giving an obituary in the newspaper as my Amma's anniversary is coming up,It would be a shame on my part if I ask somebody else to do this task because from a very small age she used to encourage me to write.But I couldn't write even two sentences myself in memory of her.I found it weird.I tried to google and went through the usual press obituaries,still I couldn't come up with something of my own.I just wanted two sentences,just 20 words to tell the world that yes its my Amma's anniversary and I so very miss her!!
May be I need more words,more space to talk about her.I dont want to believe that she is somewhere very close to me watching me everyday.I really hope she is not within us today,because if she is indeed watching me she would be the unhappiest soul to see me suffer.
I sincerely dont want to make this post an emotional/sentimental piece by talking about my loneliness or thrill in being the single surviving member of my family.
Just wanted everybody to remember her this month,as I am sure most of my blog visitors personally knew my Amma..
This is all I can do for her in my blog..

US Heading 4 a Recession?

2008-02-18T17:53:00.005-06:00

For the past couple of weeks the word 'recession' is the most widely used word amongst the desis out here which includes poor souls like me!!I have been reading a lot on recession and related matters as I thought it would be better I face the consequences in the true spirit.Personaly I got the feel of it after our career fairs where the recruiters themselves told the international students about their difficulty in sponsoring our Visa with the recession coming up.Its a huge blow to people like me as I'll be graduating in the peak of recession.
The chances of the US avoiding a recession appear to be growing dimmer by the day, and any contraction in the economy will likely last longer and be more severe than other downturns in the past 20 years.
As I am specializing in construction management I tried to narrow down my readings to the construction and related field.It is the biggest housing slump in the last four or five decades: every housing indicator is in free fall, including now housing prices.Recent reports have shown the housing market slump and rising defaults in the mortgage market are now taking their toll on job growth and on the manufacturing and services sector.
This december when I was in Las Vegas my sister who works with a real estate company was telling me that one of the worst effected areas was Las Vegas.Gaming revenues suffered their steepest-ever drop — a scare that led casinos to lower room rates to drum up business. New casinos such as the Hard Rock struggled with financing, and three other casinos filed for bankruptcy.Begged for donations to stay afloat, the unemployment rate rose, the governor laid off state workers and housing construction stalled.

May be all this is a hoax.May be not!But there are some indicators which are flashing red.Unemployment is up, consumer spending is down, the housing market has slipped into recession, and the stock market is lurching back and forth like an overloaded washing machine. All of this could have been foreseen by anyone with minimal critical thinking skills and a healthy dose of skepticism of government.

Indian IT Industry seems to be all set to receive the tornado by laying off and cutting down salaries.May be Indian companies are smarter by taking the prevention pill so early.
Lets watch where this fall of the great economy is gonna take us all.May be its too early to pack my bags back home,Its quite ironic ,but still I would end this post with a malayalam cliche 'Papi chennadam pathalam'

V Day!!

2008-02-13T20:07:00.010-06:00

Another Feb 14!!Thank god I dont have a boy friend..Else will have to use my creditcard for another expensive stuff.The only good thing about being in love is getting some gifts on such special days .Yea rite, I am too materialistic.To be frank I just LOVE getting gifts.like my 'committed, friends say 'Grapes are sour'.. Anyways just coz I write a lot on love and related stuff,it would be a dishonour to my blog,if I dont post something on Valentines day..So Happy Valentines day to all of you..And here is a small gift to all the single ppl..:P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBFnJX0p_Tc
Have a great day

A Suitable Boy

2008-02-08T17:48:00.000-06:00

I would like to start this post with a a disclaimer.Whatever I write are some issues faced by a few people in my species and I am NOT a Feminist!!All the characters in this post are purely fictitious,any resemblence to any person dead or alive is an unavoidable fact!!
Thanks to Vikram Seth for this title and inspiring me to write this post..
I have noticed a strange kind of mania amongst the parents of 22 year old girls and certain frustrating phobia with the 22 turned unfortunate souls.Here is a case study that describes the sequence of events in the life two 22 year old females (Species:Homo Sapiens)
lets call them Miss Hasbeen and Miss Wannabe.For my convenience I would like to call them Ms H and Ms W.
Part 1
March 2007
A month before the final exams,Ms H was busy on phone with her latest boyfriend...Somebody on a call waiting,it was from her home.she wondered why would her Mom call her so late in the night.Yes that was about the mania which has kick started at her home this semester.Her Parents want her to give them a final decision on the the list of guys they emailed to her the other night and her boyfriend wants HER to finish off HIS assignment which is due the next day.She stood there confused.Her cell was showing low battery and her charger was not working,giving few excuses she cut the line and rushed to Ms W's room to get the charger.
Staring at the fully charged cell and refreshing her Yahoo mailbox every 10 seconds desperately waiting for her MS admits there was our Ms W hoping a new place would bring her new oppurtunities[Romantic.Sheesh..A full stop to her singlehood]
Part -2
March 2008
Gtalk Conversation
Ms W:Hey howz it going?Are you over him?
Ms H:Yes dear.Very Much.Biggest mistake of my life
Ms W:Oh cmon,u guys were perfect
Ms H:No way.He was too immature for me
Ms W:Heard you were in Bombay last week to meet someone ;)
Ms H:Oh yea forgot to tell you.Parents are hell-bent on marrying me off before next june
Ms W:So howz the guy?You liked him??
Ms H:No he looks yucky.Kinda bald..But then I met another guy in Chennai last week.I liked him.He is tall,fair,handsome and his Dad owns a software company.He just finished his MBA
Ms W:Wow,But u always used to say u never liked tall and fair poeple
Ms H:Cmon,thats because my ex boyfriend was short and dark.Anyways whassup with you.Howz it there.You found someone??
Ms W:No Yaar,Not yet.Trying hard on Bharat Matrimony.com.I am getting scared.All of you will marry soon ..:(
Ms H:Idiot.You are in land of oppurtunities,try Americans na
Ms W:I cant understand their accent and My English is not good
Ms H:oh yea thats true..But what about your family??
Ms W:Seems My horoscope has some major issues.I'll have to wait for Mars to come near venus.Only then I'll find my guy it seems.Thats what my aunty scraped me in orkut yesterday.
Ms H:Oh thats sad..Did u see Ms P's marriage snaps??She is in US doing her MS..
Ms W:Really?I thought she wanted to do MBA,What happened to her CAT plans?
Ms H:She dropped it coz her husband is an IIM Graduate
Ms W:Thats kool..Did I tell you that I met Ms R's fiancee's parents in NY??
Ms H: Wtf?No way ..she cant have a fiancee,she said she will not marry
Ms W:Seems her grandmom was sick and she wanted to see her grandchildren.So it was a quick decision
Ms H:Nice,Anyways make sure u hook up with some greencard holder,so u wont have problems with your visa later
Ms W:Yea I know.I have highlighted that in Shaadi.com and Bharat Matrimony.ONLY Green card Holders.
Ms H:Hey gtg..Chennai Guy on phone..Have to discuss about finacial matters u know..
Ms W:Oh sure carry on..Let me know what happens..takecare
Ms H:You too..

Well 'THE END' is yet to come...

Special Thanks to Riddhi Doshi

An Ode to Google AdSense

2008-02-05T19:03:00.000-06:00

I am a big fan of Pschycedelic Rock.Sounds weird???Well there are days when my existence floats on certain repeated tracks from my Ipod[My roomies find my choice of songs a bit odd and crappy,So I am denied the pleasure of listening to my favourite numbers from my laptop].Flying high,I always end up writing a post in this public forum to mark those 'Dark Days'..
My incessant complains about not getting an assistantship and the twists and turns in my life,I always end up with the so called dark side writing.But one day my roomie came up with an idea of cashing my emotions to few dollars in my bank account.She was the one to introduce me to google adsense..It appeared harmless and I thought why not??Let a few ads come in my post..:P. So we decided to join Google adsense.Never knew it was a devil in disguise...
One of my friends.who happens to be a blogger too,gave me some shocking information.Seems, putting up adsense is a big crime for an International student.For a moment I missed a heartbeat.!!!This Country is weird,they have a long list of clauses to deport F1 people like me.Can you believe that letting some ads in my personal site and earning a quarter dollar could be reason to deport me back.Yes!!!:(.Like I mentioned in some my previous posts,you have to filter even the air you breathe here,what if some American sue me for taking his part of air??..I want to go back..Sit in an autorickshaw and roam around,see some people breaking the rules,getting away with a wink.Enjoy the pleasure of being in MY Country..be a proud Indian.
I am not an ideologist,at this very moment I sincerely believe 'Rules are meant to Broken'..
ps:I no longer have google adsense and I havent spell checked..:P

Love- Part 2

2008-01-26T09:54:00.000-06:00

In my previous post about love I mentioned that my undergrad degree helped me make a thesis on different categories or ways of falling in love.After coming here for my Masters I decided to research on ways of breaking up with your dear ones as that is what is very common amongst the Indian community here.'Love' and 'Relationship Analysis' has always been one of my favourite topics to research on,wish Texas A&M University hires me as a Research Assistant in their Public Affairs department after my posts on Love and related matters.There are again 4 ways of breaking up with your sweetheart!! In fact four different ways of telling the other person BUZZ off.Lets avoid after marriage talks and stick on the normal romantic affairs and the after effects.Here are my 4 theories.
1.Long Distance Relationships:Love has no distances some say.May be true,b ut after getting used to the free Airtel-Airtel calls in India,there is high probability of breaking up if one goes abroad and switches to Reliance India Calling card.With the initial hype and care about your loved ones in India ,there is a general trend of breaking up after getting AT&T connection.Initial days of frustration,loneliness,assistantship hunts,for people who have been in a relationship find it hard to get out of the whole thing by making regular calls to India and there you look at your credit card balance and realise 'wish my sweetheart had an AT&T connection' and then u turn back and see somebody patting on your shoulder and yea you have somebody close to you,who can understand u better and who is gonna have an H1 soon and wow he/she has AT&T..Lots of freedom,no worries that anybody is gonna find out,so yes I broke up with her/him..Coz long distances never work out..:P
2.Girls..sheesh,guys complain that they are emotional and they want early commitment,they talk about marriage and engagement.Commitment Phobia.Cmon, guys need time..Marriage and family are secondary..This is the problem if you fall love for a guy of your age...Trust my thesis,its very hard for a guy to think about marrying before he is 26 (oops I think even thats early)!!For the their career,their dreams,everything has to be set and yea may be when their bored of all this,they might consider a marriage
3.Religion:When you fall in love you are atheist,you respect all religions,You feel you know more about your lover's religion than your religion,try to convince each other that we are modern couples,we dont give a damn about religion,But the verb 'convert' is the villain,many agree to conquer their love and many not.There you have a simple reason.I cant go against my family!!Yes You cant and you shouldn't..
4.Yes..This is the most interesting Chemistry..Its not long distance,Its the weird chemistry,the straight line becomes triangle,you no longer love your partner,you no longer think she/he is attractive,you have a zillion reasons to avoid each other.What not!!Beauty of this theory is that it Has a clause.Many a times this happens when there is a third person involved in the relationship.You have a comparison specimen.Yes there you go...;)
Well like the 5 th theory in my Love Part-1 There are a couple of people who break up before they fall in love,may be because they haven't attended CVEN 644 Risk Anlaysis-Techniques and Modeling.You are as usual confused whether you are in or out of something,so the best way is to break up .From what??That's what I am trying to find out..:)

Well this was my humble effort to give away my dark side writing and write something different..This is dedicated to those Anonymous readers of my Blog..Yes I can write something different..;)Though I failed in it..
Cheers and happy Break ups!!!

A Regret

2008-01-18T17:11:00.000-06:00

Is it true there is sun out there
My foot stuck in this dirty clay
Can you tell me if I should walk back
Where I can wash away my dreams.
Words of unseen seasons are fake
Dont let me walk to you to give a word
A word that will give a new strength.
Make me less strong so that I drown here
at this very moment to close my eyes
and gulp all the air that is keeping me alive
In this darkness I want to end the journey
let me be my self for a day..
call me back to where I started walking
I am letting myself fly away for sometime
taking off my foot to move with the zephyr
to open my eyes when the sun rays force me to.

A Bubble

2008-01-17T18:13:00.000-06:00

Looking deep into that tiny bubble
I smiled to see those colors turning red
holding my breath to keep it alive
I tried moving the dark shadows on it
Pulling apart the plaette of dark colors
I stood confused on the lonely road
My next step would be on you
in which I could see my today and tomorrow
Fly away my soul from my evil aura
Closer you are to me,darker are your days ahead
I want to see you flying away to the zenith of joy
Wish I could hold you on to my heart
but I fear my tear drop might take your life

A tribute to CEM Fall 2007 Batch

2008-01-10T18:42:00.000-06:00

Last year this time of the year I was eagerly waiting for an admit letter from my well planned list of 8 universities.Like the MS applicants call it, 2 dream ones 4 moderate and 2 safe ones.Getting into my dream university was my ultimate goal.Like we read in various orkut communities and Edulix I too believed that once you get here,u 'll find some kind of funding.With thee full scholarships in hand I still waited for my dream university which is a nightmare now.
I came here thinking it was a big achievement getting into the university I ranked first in my list and some kind of funding is sure to help me graduate.But still its an irony that when all the people you know have something in their hand,and you are still waiting.
I was chatting with one of my classmates about the pathetic situation of our specialization which doesn't even give an instate whereas some departments just give all their graduate students an instate as if its some kind of a incentive for joining that specialization.He made a valid point which everyone who is planning to come to a US university should be aware of.There are a couple of graduate students with a gpa of 4,coming from top Colleges of India with other good admits, washing plates and cleaning tables just to survive in this land and to pay their fees.
Its kind of hard to digest at times,But at least for a few people like us life in US is not a bed of roses.Its the question of survival.We bitch about our department and vent out our anger,assume that other specializations and departments doesnt exist,keep working overnight in concrete lab just to manage three courses,whereas some others with 4-5 courses a semester,party every night and earn 1000$ a month.Are we denied all this just because we have an extra 'and' in our specialization..May be yes..Just because we are Construction Engineering and Management not Construction Management..
I dont know what made me write this..May be next year this time,I'll read this post with a smile..
Well this is a small tribute to all my classmates who are frustrated with everybody in CE TTI Building..Lets all hope,at some point in life all this appear silly and funny..Cheers to CEM

The Reason

2008-01-07T18:04:00.000-06:00

Its been exactly five months I have been in this so called United States of America.A dream destination for many third world residents and a compromise for a few who are trying to lift the shadows off a dream which was built out of a complex circumstance.It wasn't my childhood dream nor my teenage fascination to come to this country.A land of opportunities some say.But for a F1 Visa holder,this stage should be best described as a pre military training camp.Being in a class of people who is questioned about her right to breathe the self identity and the freedom to walk on the streets is the worst torture that can be given to someone who by default had a pride in her traditions and community.
Aday,a person,a word,a movie,a smile can make a difference in your life.On this track we keep running,more or less like a self tuned machine which is unsure of its path because the code of the program which makes us run is still been worked on by some unknown force which we call as 'fate'.A Sunday afternoon just turned my life upside down,but the very next day I got up and started racing again not sure about the finishing point nor who my competitors were.Here I am far away from where I started,oceans dividing my identity and my true pride.
Holding on to my certain conservative beliefs which my friends sarcastically refer as my 'ideologies and principles' I tried to make an assessment how successful i was sticking on it.But the only way I can continue this race is carrying the baton close to my heart and believing that that time has not yet come to make an assessment,nor a judgement on my race.
Coming back from a heaven where I could breathe only love for three weeks and leaving behind some people who made you realise you deserve to win this race as their prayers and strong love is pushing me hard to the destination,I decided to take a break from the world of fictional existence.
Like Amir Khan tried to say in 'Tarein Zammen Par',Everybody has the right to be special.We are all born stars,some shine throughout their life and some brighten day by day and some needs an inspiration to shine again and enlighten themselves.In between the stars we live,but you shine more when you accept that all the other stars are shining for you!!!:)

A Birthday song forever

2008-01-03T02:26:00.000-06:00

I looked upon the stars to find you
Never could I see you smiling at me
This day I wish you fall back in my hands
I would never let you run away
A zillion kisses and hugs to you
Wish I could touch you once more
I want to sleep in your lap for a day
and I sleep forever like that
My helpless mind yearn for a sign
dont know why I stand alone
I dont want to turn back and look at you
You are here with me today and tomorrow
Singing as loud as I can.
A very Happy birthday to you!!

A Way Back

2007-12-30T02:10:00.000-06:00

I clapped my hands to the rhythm of the song
Clouds moving part to shower the moonlight
My eyes just looked upon the stars
I could see them all shining for me
Sparkles and glitters all around
Hugging the love of first snow
I stepped out to feel the new season
Dead leaves fallen all around
I picked a few to read a few fate lines
it crumbled on my shivering hands
I looked back to see those dark roads I travelled
it gleamed in the whiteness of the fresh snow
I see a small reason on every shining flake
blossoms on my way it said
freezing the moments of innocent hope
A home of warmth and love waiting
pulling me away from an idle moment
prayers helping my way there.
Here I am in the ocean of joy
coming back to a dream I forgot
A bliss;a heavenly one!!

Destiny Drive

2007-12-15T01:07:00.000-06:00

When your fingers move,
To gather your vaccum goals
Incessant howls bothering your way
Obsolete memories trashing upon
Crippled dreams have set me still
Entangling my views to retrace,
When they flick out of your days past,
Hiding your missions to fathom it.
I can feel caress of the zenith
My self lost among the probes,
Condemning your doings as sins
Haunting you all the way back to sanity
Words of unknown seasons have melted
your efforts sweating away as water
nothing to submit to u my lord
making me weak in my passions
scabs have made my story incomplete
halos smoothing it out like opal
aching memories are bringing a smile
washing away my woes with your words

A Walk to rememeber

2007-12-13T00:31:00.000-06:00

It was drizzling.Chilly weather.I pressed my fingers hard on the Hot Chocolate cup!!My other hand was buried in my jacket..The song in my Ipod changed from 'Evanescence' to 'Coming back to Life'.I waited for the signal.Didn't want to lift my head and look up,as it was really cold.The song brought back some memories into my mind.Felt kinda warm.Wish I could sing along with Roy Harper.loud enough to make sure I vent out my agonies with which I started this semester and with which I am still walking back home though I am officially done for Fall 2007.Like any any other grad I had a hell lot of dreams about assistant ships and funding.My favorite pass time of keeping a track of what I don't have in my hand.I just smiled, took a sip and a deep breath and just looked up to the signal lights..It was still RED..I smiled again at me,my weird worries,silly thoughts..It was all red around because it was Christmas time.Wonder why the Americans start the celebration so early.The whole place is lit to make you feel that there is happiness all around you,at every nook and corner.Those bright lights from the xmas trees and all the bouquets seems to tell me something.
Signal Changed.I resumed my walk trying hard to lift my head to see it..
Song Changed again..'iris'..
I need an inspiration.I thought.May be from nobody else but from myself..Start the celebration of life earlier.There is a long way to go.You know there is a xmas day.Every year there is.But I wont wait for the Christmas day..Let me celebrate it from this moment.My dreams and inspirations.The Philosophy of objectivism is to be embraced when nobody expects you to do it..You,yourself and me!!!Thats the tag..Like Hugh Grant sung in Music and Lyrics
I have been living with a cloud above my head
I need inspiration not another negotiation
Thanks to that signal point..
I reached my destination. Apt 311.Took the keys out.opened the doors to see the celebration which you deserve more than anybody on earth..I deserve the best??Yes I do...
Threw the plastic cup in the trash..Maybe a lot more.It just needs a second..:)

Sweet Smell of a Great Sorrow

2007-11-28T17:42:00.000-06:00

A dew drop washed away my tears
I smiled and embraced the warmth of that moment
Holding those moments tight,I took a breath
The fall colors and the soft snow kissed my fate
My faith was keeping its fingers crossed
Felt Fall is gonna drop off all the sorrows
My eyes wished to wake up for a new spring;

I didn't want to wake up;
I knew its a dream but soon to be a nightmare;
snow is gonna freeze me;It did
I stood still..I see all the other flowers blooming
But none in my garden;
I pressed open a bud to see a blossom
Petals falling down,I picked one of them
I see the dew drop on it..
The sky was sunny,wondered where it came from
felt the reflections on it..
saw my eyes ready to kiss farewell to those sweet moments
I did breathe hard.Ready to harden my tender soul
to face yet an other ordeal with a great smile...:)

Attention Blog Visitors

2007-11-26T06:02:00.000-06:00

These days I find that many are very enthusiastic to comment on my posts and they just twist and turn my words..Like an old friend of mine told me once' People want to believe what they want to'..So continue with your assumptions and conclusions..The freedom of expression shouldnt be questioned...So happy commenting...:)

Notes of Sarcasm -2

2007-11-20T23:20:00.000-06:00

Today was a tough day.I didnt have much to do,but My heart feels so heavy.I should be exited about my tomorrow's New York trip.But don't know why I am not!!I tried to sleep early,But some weird dreams kept crawling in.I thought I should write it somewhere.This might sound a bit out of place or for the lack of words 'awkward',But I guess I should take the freedom of expression..Expressions of a hurt heart.I wish I could pen down some lovely dreams,not nightmares,May be the choice of my songs are wrong.I should stop listening to my favorite numbers which always moisten my eyes..Let me just try to pen down my dream ,may be with a lame excuse that I might forget it soon..But then it wasn't a dream..this was a conversation between my best friend and myself..may be I was sleep talking..But then the story was amusing.I would like to cut it short..I don,t want to write it as a story ..Its not a story..but a reality??
There was a little girl next door..
I used to see her peeping out of the window
I wondered who she was waiting for??
there were no moon days and full moon days
her expressions varied day by day...
I see her blush when it is a full moon day..
Now I know a secret about her.
She is in love with the moon..
it was a fantasy,it was an infatuation;
I could read her mind somehow
Suddenly she disappeared;
She was running away from him
never did she know that she cant hide from him..
Moon is everywhere;wherever you go
I could hear her cries;
Never could locate her..
But one day I heard and saw her;
She looked up for him;
But there came a meteorite,She was hesitant to go
But I saw her flying away from her worries.
It was a no moon day.
The moon came next day..He looked around;
he was surprised not to find her
But he ever asked;I know he wanted to enquire
But he is so high up in the sky
I wish I could reach and tell him about her
But he never waited for her.Nor did I tried to reach him
I dreamt about her;
She said to me..
Never fall in love with the moon!!!!

Take away My Pain(Courtsey :DT)..My Fav Song

2007-11-10T01:49:00.000-06:00

Don't say its the end of the road
I see a small girl standing there
I could see her calling me;
Her polka dotted dress looks familiar
Did I have one when I was a kid?

I was scared to approach her;
But I wanted to tell her something
doubt if she can understand;
My sorrows and pain are her toys
for my unforgiven consciousness
I stood still...

I could feel her touching me
Shivering in the cold of the touch
I listened;
She whispered a song..
I sang along...

Can you leave me behind?
seeing you in the mirror
spending days in darkness
come out to feel the warmth.
Hold my hands under the sun
Let us sing for the moon to come
I doubt its full moon today
Dream will come true someday

Go away you little Girl..
am Drowning...in guilt..in pain..
pull me to the past ;
take awaymy pain;
Let it go...I want to feel the rain..

I love India :)

2007-11-06T15:07:00.000-06:00

10 things I miss about India
1.Food...The tasty,spicy and yummy cheap food u get there
2.Public transport especially autorickshaws
3.free incoming calls and sms
4.My size clothes [:P]
5.TV and all my favourite programs
6.Daily morning newspaper.
7.Hartals and bandhs
8.All festival Holidays
9.License to go anywhere without the i 20 and passport
10.The most important...Not being a desi....[:)]

10 Things I like about College station/bryan
1........
2........
3........
Sorry will post later..My brain just crashed I guess..will reboot and update later..
Cheers!!!!

The Guitar Lessons

2007-10-31T16:10:00.000-05:00

I had a guitar!I used to attend guitar classes when I was a kid.But honestly I still cant play a piece properly.First string was my favourite.Very convenient.you can slide your fingers smoothly over it.but it is the one which hurts you the most,I still remember the dark red lines on my fingers.Well but very often the first strings break..I keep strumming it and somehow I manage to break it and then leave the guitar on a corner with an excuse that I cant play it without the first string!!
This day is special(1 Nov).Its an anniversary.I want to play the guitar,may be I will end up making a fool of myself like Phoeby(Remember her guitar practices).Because this day made me realise two important things in my life:
1.You may lose the first string and stop playing the guitar,But the other 4strings(wait a min,is it 5?) can work wonders,so don't bury your skills in memory of the dead string,make the second string the first string and play it,the note may be low,but I think its more reliable as its hard to break.
2.First string is hard to bend,but easy to break,but you always cherish the notes on the first string,never want to see any other string replace it,coz my favourite notes are always high!!!!
Regards
A harmless Guitar Player!!!

A lovely Morning(Notes of Sarcasm-1)

2007-10-22T09:06:00.000-05:00

I dont care how this day is gonna end!!!The weather was awesome today..It was drizzling...I was a wearing a sweat shirt..It wasnt helping me much.But my mind was still warm...But wind just brought me a dry leaf.It didnt want to stay in my hand...It tried flying away...My hands let it free..Still wet hands did the magic..I smiled..Kept smiling...I walked in the opposite direction...Will walk away...But with a lovely Smile..I am still siling..I just cant stop it....[:)]

Thoughts.....

2007-10-21T14:52:00.000-05:00

Once a friend of mine complained that my happiness is dependent on others.At that point of time I was actually annoyed as I felt that dependent happiness is a good thing..But took me sometime to realize the depth of that very statement..
I believe that its very easy to fake happiness,even if you are going through the toughest phase of your life,you can make others think that you are having a great time.I don't know if its a good thing or not,But on the process of fooling others with this fake happiness,at a point it becomes real.That is when the fun begins.You never know if you are being happy for yourself or for others.Just a big smile n your face is just enough to convince a few I guess.
Whats being happy for yourself??
My roomy wants me to live a day for myself..Do things what my mind wants to..Attain the happiness which nobody else but I should give myself...I am trying to breath the very thought.But I am scared if I'll fall in love with those moments and never come back to my old self...
Can we be happy for ourself alone.Everything we do has something to do with others,and I just cant isolate happiness form people around,or am I missing something..I actually discussed about this to my few friends..here are their comments..

1. donno.. but i feel there r no moments that we can have for ourselves.. because we are what we are because of everyone around us
2. we live as if we were never gonna die, and die as if we had never lived everyone around us
quite contradicting answers rite?

The Philosophy of 'objectivism'.I wish I could embrace it..But then I feel I am too late for it or the little goodness that is instilled in me might just sublime if I do..
I am just following the time...For me the little pressures are always bringing a smile..I just love the 'bubbly' tag associated with me..But let me contradict that statement..I wish I could act Grouchy....
Well all this nonsense did make some sense to my mind!!!So I think I am ready for it!!!!

Stop Inspiring me!!!

2007-10-19T19:27:00.000-05:00

I wrote this long back..I am publishing this as I wanted to compare the themes of my poems.I realise that everything revolves around a single inspiration.I hate to call it my inspiration as it left me bruises..I wish u could stop inspiring me from writing this.I want to write about things that would bring a beautiful smile of warmth not sarcasm....

My eyes opened to find u in darkness,

The halos of my faith lead me to your soul

You moved away leaving your tears to follow

Trying to trace those momentary icons,

Walking through all the thorns u laid to hurt me

Enjoying the sweetness of that pain I followed….

Standing alone in the path to zenith I looked around;

Looks of sarcasm all around, made me blind

Drowning in the guilt of the passion I chose,

Your eyes speaking about the unknown seasons,

Reading the words from your limpid heart

I searched for those dreams holding our hands.

Felt them perishing in the heat of my agony

With my reflections dying with them

I woke to the music of the new season to come

Holding me with its words of hopes and spirits

I moved along in this new wind of desire,

To find myself smiling in the mirror of tomorrow…

The Downpour

2007-10-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

Rains always fascinate us....It rained in Bryan today..I wish I could walk in the rain..anyways just a small thought from my heart...

I could hear your footsteps

Tamping to the rhythm of my heartbeat

My entangled hands moved to reach you

Bleeding path of destiny haunting my way

Words of sarcasm hitting me hard

I closed my eyes to see you

Bruises of past brushing me, I shivered;

holding you tight, I could feel the warmth

closing my eyes tight to hold the dream

Living the moments I never would embrace

Smiling at the zenith of the fake happiness;

The halos of fate and faith lightening my canvas

I spilled the colors of my life on your wet hand.

I opened my eyes with an empty hope

To see the colors of for coming seasons subliming

Mind???

2007-10-06T18:16:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days of my Life I was in a mood to look within..A long sleepless night made me think about the ups and downs of my Life.I was trying to figure out the answers for a zillion questions which always puzzled me.I could see my mind boiling with some complexes,ego,agony,frustration and a lot more.But what is this 'MIND'?
I dont know if the medical science has a proper definition for it or not.I believe they do have..Many intellectuals must have spent sleepless nights to figure out what exactly this 'mind' means..I havent read anything in particular regarding their findings or any kind of scientific analysis.But I firmly believe that the most complex part of our body is our mind..
For me my mind is sometimes my logic,sometimes my heart or sometimes the necessity of a situation.My mind has always puzzled me.It acts weird when I expect it to act in a different way.Though I feel that I can control it,Sometimes my judgment fails .But my mind never let me fail though I wish I could fail.Thats when I realise that I was under estimating the most wonderful part of me.The so called 'mind' is very cunning.I believed that I am a typical cancerian with a lot of emotions and sentiments..I still am..But what puzzles me is that my mind lets me act emotional when I face a very silly issue and controls my 'unwanted' emotions when I go through a very tough and difficult phase in which I deserve to be emotional and weak..
May be its the ego thats doing the trick!!The more you realise your weakness the more your mind fools you..I wish I could convince it to play along..
But I am amused that God has given each one of us a very interesting Riddle to play throughout your life..When you listen to it,it works wonders to you..But when you try to tamper its path,it plays in a weird way..Tuning it takes time...But the best deal to have with your mind is to challenge it..Play along...see where it takes you...

Love

2007-10-03T23:38:00.000-05:00

The word 'love' excites everyone.I shouldn't make this statement universal as there are people who are allergic to that very expression and claim that they are NOT interested.My four years of under graduate education gave me a dual degree.A B Tech in Civil Engineering and a PhD in' Analysis of relationships'.I would like to pen down my findings as it might or might not help those who are not engaged yet.These days having a boyfriend/girlfriend is a common scenario...But its very seasonal.Back in college it was semester wise.The first Phase is the necessity..escapism from boredom.or when you see your friends with a girlfriend/boyfriend.Another reason might be cause you feel that you have been waiting for so long for the right person and you realise with a heavy heart that you are still 'SINGLE'.
Love at first sight!!!Well its something really tough..because love at first sight mostly happens when either the girl or the guy is really hot!!or may be I am wrong..so mostly such people are committed and those who fell into this trap of 'first love' will join the desperado club!!
My PhD was concentrated on the types of Love..According to my findings there are 4 reasons or types of Love.
1.Sympathy Based:these are relationships which build up out of symapathy.when one of is going through a bad phase in his/her life, a support is always welcome.The support grows into relationships and then..I actually wonder..will it last after you are outof the situation.may be..
2.Looks matter..yeaz it does..the most good looking girl in the neighborhood..she is the dream girl..Every human earns for a good looking partner...Even if the dreamgirl is a bitch(okie the dream guy is a bastard) u ca hang out with the person for sometime..jsu because looks '.......'
3.Intellectual/Philosophy:There are few pairs which get attracted to eachother because they feel that ONLY they can understand each other..their frequency matches,their intellect matches..what not!!they end up discussing philosophy,and the so called WEIRD and scientific stuff and later realise that..here we go
'made for each other'.Mostly this happens when two people do research together,or they work in the same field.But they are considered the 'most unromantic' people around,But they surprise others quiet often
4.The last category is the 'instincts' or the 'admiration' category.we all cherish certain dreams in our minds.we admire certain characteristics.We are amazed my certain qualities or attitude in others.This can be considered to a strong and reasonable characteristic to fall in love with someone.You admire certain behavioral characteristics which you would like to share or to experience..So you are simply attracted..:)
There are a few people who doesnt fit in any of these categories.The people who fall in love and never realize it or hate to accept it.They are the people who suffer and mostly believe 'one time' or 'never' !!!They are the people who believe themselves that are the ones using 'head' and not 'heart'..Lacking guts or flooding ego..they keeping it within themselves.
Well I personally feel that you need not 'go out' with a person or 'hang around' to love someone..Its just all in you..You might never let the other person know that you love him/her..U dream..keeping loving the person..get saturated and at somepoint you feel frustrated because you are confused.!!!But then you try convincing yourself that you were never in love..But at some point u simply 'Wish' the other person loves you and keep waiting...forever...with a hope in your 'heart' and a faith in your 'head' that its impossible!!!
Well as I mentioned in my first post its matter of your heart...But what I dont understand is 'trying out the chemistry"..From the very beginning you know that its never gonna work out..But you just go ahead for those momentary happiness..and then comes the breakups and patch ups..well guys..I am a bit conservative..So I believe that 'love' happens only once'...if you are lucky..you'll find your true luve soon..If you have already found one...Cheers!!!

My First Post

2007-10-03T23:10:00.000-05:00

I always scribble down something when I feel low.I am bad with spellings and grammar.Never care to spell check or read through whatever i write.But it feels so nice when u actually pen your emotions.I have a diary..A secret diary...I scribble down stuff in it once in a while..mostly when I am depressed.But when i turn the previous pages,I feel awkward..
Poems were my all time favorite.I used to write poems..oops I still write poems.But for most of the people it doesnt make sense.They say its just a play of tough and ambiguous words.But they are true...words coming out of my heart can never make sense.
My literature teachers used to teach us the poems of great poets like Frost.We were asked to write compositions on the poets intended message.But I wonder how can we be sure that he meant the same thing..My poems are a part of me..unless you know me well,I doubt you can understand my words...So making this blog public will invite me trouble I guess ..:)